The rain scolded me tonight. As I lay there in bed a while ago, it whispered hello but I didn’t budge. It kissed me goodnight, but I was too sleepy to notice. It caressed my cheeks but I was too numb. && Finally, as his patience grew thin, it scolded me in the dark, shouted my name out loud, and shocked every erector pili in my body. Life is full of shitty rains to get by with. Bring a raincoat or an umbrella to survive. ☂
Sometimes you don’t mean what you say… & you don’t say what you mean. And that’s when relationships fail, love hurts, and life gets hard. Sometimes you just have to understand yourself first… Because in the end, everyone elses’ understanding won’t matter.
This is a letter I wrote for my bestest friend about 4 years ago… because I didn’t know how to express how grateful I was for her. And just like now, I am thankful for that bestest friend of mine, for still listening, understanding, and inspiring me despite our distance. They say true friends are hard to find. But keeping them is the hardest part. I’m glad to have found and kept a friend like her. ❤
You were wrong when you said I was good with words. I never were, never will I ever be. If only I could just be as brave as you – to be able to say what my heart really feels even in this simple message.
I’m a weakling too you know. My pride seems to be more than just a case of beer.
In this thing called friendship; I noticed that I do not understand the word “affection”. Well, maybe I do… maybe I don’t. I’m just not that showy. The word “caring” is all I could offer.
I shouldn’t get used to this. The attention and care that I’m getting from you is just too much that I’m afraid of what will happen if we part. I’m afraid that I’d be missing somebody when that day happens – I’d be missing you.
Secretly, I’m thanking you… more than thanking you. Those messages I’ve sent you, for sure, are not enough. They are just shadows, bits and pieces of my thoughts, fragments of what I really feel.
If only I could say to you – the word “I LOVE YOU”, the word “THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH”
The truth is, right now all I wanna do is to hug you tight and tell you how much this friendship means to me and how sorry I am for being such a numb friend, unable of showing love.
Maybe that’s the reason why I’m so afraid of falling in love. It’s hard to reciprocate when you can’t show it. I’m afraid to show love.
I’m sorry if I haven’t been updating you lately. I have been so busy these past few weeks and I thought life was starting to be great… But just now, I realized otherwise.
I just had to write to you for I can’t contain how drained and pressured I am right now. It’s like 6th grade all over again when I was suddenly transferred to the 1st section where I have no friends at all and I sucked at almost every subject. I belonged to the lower 50% of our homeroom and the feeling is just inexplicably dreadful. And just like today, when I got assigned to the known “best” team in our company, I felt like I am that 6th grader again. Lost and pressured.
Yeah yeah… I know I shouldn’t pressure myself this hard or something but I just can’t help it. One team member can pull down the performance of the team, in such case, last night or earlier this morning, I was that team member. It was miraculous though because the team leader, who I thought was soooo strict [as I’ve heard from rumors] was not [yet] being hard on me. I thought she would be yelling out my name the whole shift because of my low points. But she didn’t. And she didn’t even bother to ask or go near me and pass me that paper where people with failed calls or had minor mistakes would write what went right and what went wrong [it’s like an incident report]. Or maybe she just changed her style in leading the team because as I’ve heard [from rumors again] that last week, 2 new members quit after a day’s experience of being under her. I’m just blessed.
Alright! Enough of the yakking. I might as well sleep this through. Well, one last thing though, I have to tell you this, THIS JOB IS MAKING ME UNTALKATIVE. If there’s such a word. Because, typically I AM a talker but I think this time I’d settle for just being a listener or a texter or a writer. I’m just freaking tired of talking already. [Do not believe unless proven right]
And you know the worst thing about my last duty? I forgot to bring a bottle of water. I was blabbing there straight for 3-4 hrs without water and my throat bloody hurts. It was a throat assault, a harassment, my respondents would tell me whenever they receive frequent phone calls.
And just like that I rode a jeepney ride on my way home, feeling exactly the same as that jeepney — EMPTY. And a frequent question that ran through my mind was that “What the heck am I doing with my life?” But I guess THIS IS just part of life.And maybe this is how it’s supposed to be lived by me. Maybe everyone gets a chance to experience such mischief or bad luck or pressures. It’s inevitable. And so is living life. We have to live life to know its essence and to know if this is the life that’s worth living. I’m just beating around the bush here, and it’s starting to make no sense. I’m tired and I’m sleepy. And not to mention I’m hungry.
So I guess I’ll just say “Good night Dear Diary. I missed you. And I know you missed me too. Send all my love to heaven. And wish me luck for later’s shift.”
I’m sorry I keep yakking about my life nowadays. [Yakking. I just learned that earlier by the way] You know how much I miss you. I thought of you the moment I stepped inside that jeepney ride on my way home. It was a long thought process. Any general transcriptionist would be having a hard time typing in those words that came out from my mind earlier. But here I am. Still writing those retro-thoughts.
I actually enrolled myself in another training today. Yes. And it’s not a small thing kind of training like my previous one. It’s a big thing. I say so because it’s a job dude. I mean, you can’t just screw up stuffs like this [insert sarcasm here]. We signed papers and all. . . but I really doubt if I will be able to stick with the policies that that paper was yakking about. [Sorry for the excessive use of the word yakking] I [secretly] still have plans of being a nurse someday. It’s a long term thing my parents would say so. “Think of long term careers.” We’ll see. Opportunity knocked once on my door and I just had to grab it. I signed the thing and didn’t told my parents about my decision. I was afraid. They don’t want me to be in a call center. But right now, I think they’re gulping the reality. They’re far away. So, they really can’t stop me from pursuing it. Also, at that time, I felt like it was one of the downest moments of my entire life. I just couldn’t figure out what to do while waiting for those hospitals to hire me or just even interview me. I was plain lost. And I had to find out what will happen if I chose this path. And yah, again, here I am now. Still awake. And trying to fight the urge to sleep.
It’s really quite a new environment for me too. And the people there, my batchmates, are just great. Oh, maybe not all. But to sum up, they were great and fun to be with. I learned a lot of things just by observing them and listening to their stories. One time, they were talking about virginity. And I was like, “Woah, is it a sin to be a virgin right now?” But they didn’t interrogate me much. I just smiled when they asked me. It’s safe to just smile at times. It leaves the person with nothing. It’s like between the yes/no kind of answer.
I try to be a wallflower in the group. But I also try to participate at times. Our trainer always ask us to read something on the board or asks us random questions that she just feels like asking, so you don’t have a choice but to participate and join in the discussion. I was actually happy earlier. I learned a lot of things in our lecture. And for the first time, I was really interested. In every part of the lecture. I was an eager, hungry, virgin trainee. Teehee! 😉
Anyways, I’m afraid that I am now contradicting to the paper that I signed earlier. One of the company’s policy is about “Internet Blogging.” But I guess there’s nothing wrong with what I’m writing to you right now, right? It’s just merely stating facts and some feelings that [I know] wouldn’t affect other people and the company. Am I right? Internet blogging by the way is a level 3 offense. But I guess that only covers blogs pertaining to the company’s and staffs’ reputation and all. I don’t know. . .
Change topic~~~ I bought a loaf of bread on my way home. Because I know I’ll be very lazy to cook for myself when I get home. I walked alone by the way. I pray now. I mean, I constantly pray now. Like every step I make, I pray. It’s really scary, if you know what I mean. You walk in the training room when the sun is no longer there and you get out of the room before the sun rises. SO it’s basically dark, I mean night time. I walk in a very fast pace as if I was power walking so that if ever someone is following me, [which I hope will never happen] they wouldn’t suspect that I was walking away from them or whatever. You get me, right? I plan to bring a rock or a stick the next time I go to class/work [whatever], just for emergency cases. And I do hope you’ll pray for me too.
Going back to the topic earlier, I think the account is okay but I don’t know about the clients or I don’t know about me, rather. I’m a bit of a passive listener or something at times and I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to understand them in their unique accents. But I’ll try. First times are always scary. And I guess that’s the reason why I’m still a virgin [in work and in body?]. Oh em. Just please bear with me. I’m effin tired right now. But I’m not complaining. Really. This is my choice. And I’m sticking to it. For now, that is. And is it so crazy that, just now, one hospital I applied to is emailing me about an upcoming exam? This is just great [insert sarcasm here] ! But sssssh., don’t tell anyone just yet. Haven’t told my parents or my sister about it.
Sooooo,,, Tonight…I mean today I’m officially gonna fuck up my sleeping pattern. So basically what will happen right after this blog are….
- I’ll eat my brunch at 7am
- Play Sims 3 till 9am
- And sleep. ZzzzZzzz
- Wake up at 5:30 pm.
I feel shitty today. Today is basically the shittiest day ever.
I think I’m grounded. I went home drunk at 3am. Thank God for true good friends who never do leave you when you are drunk and puking all over the place. My sister almost locked me up outside the house because she was effin’ tired of waiting up for me. She took my house keys right after I got in the house…
I feel bad about myself. My sister said my mother has been worried sick and crying last night because I wouldn’t answer any of their calls or even text a reply. My father brought my mother to the hospital a while ago because she had a high blood pressure. I blame me. 😦
Am I a bad person? I feel shitty right now. REALLY REALLY shitty.
My dad asked me why I drank and got drunk last night, and if I was in any way depress. They don’t get it. You don’t drink JUST because your depress. There are a lot of reasons we drink. But right now, I don’t really know why I drank that much just to get drunk. && FYI, I have no intention to get drunk. I am not depress – that, I am not really sure of unless someone diagnose me. Maybe I’m just lost or something. My life has not been the way I pictured it out to be, you know? It just sucks right now. Maybe I AM depress. Or not. I don’t know. Or maybe I just want attention. I’m tired. I’m tired of understanding people. I want to be understood. Understand me.
I need a hug right now. A hug from Charlie perhaps. A hug from someone who doesn’t asks a lot of “why” questions. A person who’ll hug me tight just because I really need one right now. That person does not exist… 😥
Am I a bad person?
You haven’t answered that question yet. But then again, I really don’t want to hear your answer.
Yes. You don’t know me. You don’t know who I am when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m super crazy, when I love, when I hate. You don’t know me. But there’s this one person who knows me very well, aside from God that is, but it’s depressing because I can’t tell her this stuff anymore. She’s my bestest friend in the whole world. But I can’t tell her these stuffs anymore. It’s way depressing.
You know what I want to do?
I want to go with Holden Caulfield and join his adventure — hitchhiking to the west. And also act as if I’m a deaf-mute so no one would talk to me. It’ll be fun. No one will know who I am and no one would bother asking. I’d love that. I’ll be her “deaf-mute” wife. && He’ll be my “deaf-mute” hubby. And our love will be eternal and full of pretending. But we like it that way. And every night, as we go to sleep, I’d get a pen and paper and write “Will you still love me in the morning?,” and put it on his bedside table. And in the the morning when the sun is up, I’ll enjoy a cuddle from him as he whisper in my ears, “Yes.” And we’ll both giggle and laugh because finally the deaf-mute can now say a word and it’s all because of love.
It’s depressing. Not to the point that I’m suicidal at the moment and all. But yes. It IS depressing.
I just heard that a batchmate of mine is going to have an interview to an awesome hospital here in Cebu. And I know in my heart and mind that I promised not to rant about this racist stuff, but I’m going to… just about now…
I applied to this “awesome” hospital I’m talking to you about just 3 weeks ago [I guess, not really accurate with dates]. And BOOM! I got discriminated. The reason? The university I graduated from is not hospital-affiliated-shit. And here comes a BATCHMATE of mine who happens to be a graduate of the same school I graduated from [DUH?! “batchmate” refers to a person who was in the same “batch” as you were in school, college, a military or administrative academy; or another intensive program where people get to know their cohorts quite well. The rough American equivalent is “classmate”–according to URBANDICTIONARY] who will be having her interview days from now. I mean, is that even possible? YES IT IS! This is PHILIPPINES. NO FUN at all. Gaaaaaaaaaaah!
Okay. So that’s it. I’m done with that shit a while ago. Really. I don’t want to talk about it. And to think…. argh… Nevermind. It’s shitty politics I tell you. You don’t need to be a topnotcher to get a job. All you need is a “BACKER.”
CHANGE TOPIC —————————
Tomorrow’s another day to think about. I’ll be having my i-don’t-know-what-i’m-getting-myself-into interview and only God knows what will happen to me and my life. God bless America and the World!
I’m writing to you because I can’t get over the movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower” and how I wish I had Charlie’s friends, Sam and Patrick, right now. I know it sounds really far fetch but I don’t really care. I need friends. Friends who don’t ask shit about my career. Friends who’ll just be there. I want Charlie to be there. I need a wallflower.
My pig days are over, if you ask me. I have finally reached a point of UN-Laziness and have passed several application letters to suitable hospitals and some companies here in Cebu.
I really don’t know what to expect from ’em. I’m just helluva crazy right now thinking about whatever it is I may be doing in the future. When I think of being a nurse, my stomach just growls intently, like I was feeding butterflies inside me. I’m scared dear friend. It freaks me out. Just the thought of working in the hospital and dealing with people’s’ lives. . . I don’ t want to be a part of their lives. Anything could happen in an 8-hour shift, you know? && Yes, I’m being a pessimist.
I’m getting crazier each day dear friend. The other day I thought of going to college again. I was like a highschool senior searching for a suitable school online…, but then again, I wasn’t like that back in highschool. All I had to do then was listen to my friends’ opinions on what university they think is the best and what courses they’ll be taking up. The decision-making part was so easy for me. I went to the college where a number of my barkadas went and took the course they took. Anyways, I haven’t told you yet why I was getting crazier. Well, the other day I thought of taking up BS Tourism for next sem. And just earlier today, right after eating breakfast and brushing my teeth, I sort of wanted to take up Dentistry. These are just few of my freak shows and you need not be worried, FYI. I freak out from time to time yah know… It was a stupid idea anyways. I counted my dad’s age and it was like, OOPS!, nearing retiring age. Having me in college twice would just make his hair go bald, if not thinner. . .
I have another problem too. Well it’s sort of problem. At times, I feel like I’m in a state of avolition not even God could intervene. I mean, I love God and all, but… I just couldn’t think of Him now. And it’s like so hard to pray nowadays. I hate myself for being such an ass. I don’t know why I’m such a user. I am ashamed of myself, really. I just couldn’t stop asking Him “Why?”, “Where’s the niche bro?”, “Where’s the effin turning point?” I know it sounds rebellious than religious. But what could I do? Has Satan taken over me or something? I just seem to lose it right now. I’m sorry.
Another thing, I hate mornings. I hate it because my older sister is so lazy that I have to make breakfast for the two of us. It doesn’t feel right you know. Older people should be the one preparing food early in the morning and all I have to do is wake up and get my ass to the dining room. I miss mom. My mom is not a lazy woman. She’s addicted to the internet,yeah, but she’s not lazy. When she was here last January she used food to wake me up. She’d get up early in the morning, cook food while I’m still drooling in my sleep, and then she’d wake me up, telling me that if I don’t eat the food, it would turn cold, and that wouldn’t be nice to eat. And I’m just like a zombie awaken 6 feet under, getting my ass where the food is [not literally].Food always gets me. I get bothered by people shouting at me just to get me up. But food? I don’t get bothered by it waking me up. My mom’s really intelligent you know. And that’s just one of the things I miss about her. And that is why I want to fast forward to December.
I know that you’ve noticed how bad the flow of my blog is right now, but I really hope you get me. I’m tired of linking my thoughts. It’s just so random at times and it gets way ahead if I don’t type ’em in immediately. So I guess this is it. It’s not the end of my thoughts but it’s worth the blog, ain’t it? My day’s so boring by the way. It’s so unproductive, if you know what I mean. Let’s just hope tomorrow will be better.
I have a question for you.
“HOW DO YOU KNOW?”
Not writing scares me.
I don’t know why but it just does…
It scares the hell out of me and I don’t know if my reasons are even valid.
It’s just that…, when I’m not writing, it means I’m busy. And when I’m busy it means that I’m not thinking of you anymore.
It scares me because it feels like I’m in content with who I am now, without you in it.
It scares me because it would mean that I have moved on from you… [Based on experience. Yes. Blogging = Moving ON, Not Blogging = Moved on]
But I do still think of you. A lot of times really. It’s just that every single time I do, I don’t have a laptop or a piece of paper and a pen to document my thoughts.
All in all, I think this feeling’s crazy. And how I wish that my mind had a USB reader or something where I could just put a memory card in it and it would gather all my thoughts when I need it to be recorded in words right away.
But that would be an illusion, simply an absurd idea from a psycho like me. But if that would be possible in the future, hell yeah I’d go for it. . . . What the heck, I might even be the one who will invent it… Who knows… A psycho can be a scientist most of her/his life. WE LOVE TO EXPERIMENT. If you know what I mean…
Anyways, I’m back to writing again. Because I miss it and because I don’t want to be scared anymore. Being flexible to loneliness…oh wait a minute.. I would rather like it to be called “being alone” has been a big leap for me. And right now, I just don’t know what to right…. hmm…….. damn, Now I’m mispelling words. That’s supposed to be “write”…
OH yeah!!! I’ve been meaning to tell you a very important event in my life. Well “event” seems to be an exaggeration but. WTH, I’m so happy right now! :)))))
Just got a call earlier this morning for an interview. My “confidence” and shameful act paid off. That application I sent online? YES THAT ONE! I GOT A CALL BACK 🙂 …
SO…. This is how it feels like eh? WEEEEEH!!!
I really don’t care if I do or don’t get the job. [This is not a psycho defense mech thing] Believe me. It’s just that, if I do get the job, things would be suppppppperrrrrr duppper confusing. And if I don’t, I would most likely go for volunteerism for the love of nursing!
I guess the main reason why I am still unemployed at the moment is that …….. I’m still lost and torn between two professions that’d probably give me higher chancessss of being employed to [which we all know which of the two weighs heavier in my heart]. To add up to this confusionism [sounds like Confucianism,… IKR? there’s no word such as confusionism, i just like the sound of it]… in the next few months, it’d be three professions. So, wish me a “BREAK A LEG” ’cause this act is gonna be a wild ride my friends.
“One step at a time”, says Jordin Sparks. NOW I’M OUT~
my day went slow today.
i woke up at 7:44 in the morning and realized that i had a class at 8am. it’s not really a class. it’s some kind of a training. anyways…i have a new motto to live by . . and that is “BETTER LATE THAN ABSENT.” . . . as calm as i could, i left my bed unfixed and grabbed my towels. and before coming in the comfort room i looked at myself in the mirror and noticed how dandy my hair looked, wow straight and shiny!, so… right there and then i decided to not wash my hair. i just feel like it. also, given the fact that im in a “rush.” i don’t want to be looking like a ‘basang sisiw’ when i get to my class or training or whatever.
today is Wednesday.
and we always have fill in the blanks test during Wednesdays. and i always end up studying in the room instead of studying it at home the night before. im practically making use of my short-term memory. im so lucky to have a computer with a music folder. my seatmates don’t have such folders. i guess the person using my computer from another class time imported some cool music to it to listen to whenever he/she is bored. it’s nice. i listened to it while i memorized tons and tons of suffixes, prefixes and acronyms. && did i mention acronyms i haven’t heard or encountered even before during my college days??? this sucks. i didn’t finish memorizing all of them. i told you… there were tons of tons of ’em.
i got the lowest score in our exam today. 37/50. i was just being honest. “what i couldn’t remember, i would not answer” was what i just did. i didn’t even bother to cheat. it was a “test” you know. and somehow i have to “test” my short-term memory skills too… so there.., 37/50. the fruit of my labor [insert sarcasm?]. my seatmate to the left got 49/50. he was a geek and almost Googled all of the questions. and my seatmate to the right, oh, i remember. i don’t have one. he was absent [for 3 consecutive days already],
more like not attending anymore forever. the farther seatmate to the right got somewhat a 46 or 47. it was weird because whenever i looked at him he was ranting how difficult the exam was. and i was like “yeah [nodding]” [just being honest]. and when i was not looking at him directly, i mean, by just using my peripheral view, he was scrolling down his cellphone and right after that he would type in a lot of words into the computer. that’s weird. i think he cheated. but i don’t really care. ’cause the scores meant nothing. FYI. if you’re a certified MT already you can google difficult acronyms or terms or stupid suffixes and prefixes. you know what i mean? seeeesh. i’m not bitter that i got a low score. really. i just want people to be honest too… . but that won’t ever happen.
i went home alone while all my seatmates went somewhere to eat. i wanted to go with them to bond and everything but my sister texted me that she cooked for us and that id better head home right after class, ..which i did cause if i don’t maybe she won’t cook for us anymore, ever.
anyways, i waited a long time for a jeepney suitable for my destination. and just when my stomach started to growl or something because of hunger, it arrived. it looked full packed from the outside view but when i got in the jeepney, it all made sense why. nobody moved when i entered the jeep. it was as if i was not welcomed. well, im not really expecting everyone to be greeting me anything, it’s just that no one even bothered to move their asses.
what i hate most about jeepneys here in Cebu is that, even when you’re not yet seated, they’ll start the engine and move already. good thing i got a hold of the arm-reaching-tubes-on-the-top-of-the-jeep, i don’t know what to call it. and there i was standing next to this guy who was just looking outside [nice view eh mate?], he was comfortably seated like a 5-year-old, his right lower extremity occupying a big part of the seats. i had to say “excuse me” for him to notice that i was still standing there. very un-gentleman-ish. and when i was already seated, he didn’t even bothered to move a bit. so imagine me being sandwiched in between. my temper rose along with the heat….
but then i saw this happy kid in front of me. she had the built of a friend of mine named “Nailah.”
[not her true name] stout. fair skin. except that she has a curly hair.
she was smiling. and i don’t know for what reason. she just smiled there. and i smiled along seeing her smile like that. i analyzed her. what could she be smiling about? could it be the wind that brushes through her hair when the jeep moves fast? or could it be a joke she remembered that a friend of hers told a while ago? she suddenly look at me and smiled. and i smiled back for no reason. kinda awkward. but i love kids. and hey, it doesn’t mean im a pedophile.
i was almost convinced that she was smiling because of a joke a friend of hers told a while ago. , because that shit happens to me all the time. but then i noticed that when the jeep stops. she would also stop smiling. and when it moved, she would smile again. SO! it was the wind!? there’s no other reasonable reason for it!?!? or maybe it’s simply the jeepney ride that makes her happy? ORR im just overanalyzing things im not suppose to even analyze? i really don’t know. what i know is that,, she’s a gift. a gift to every human who sees her. she’s just one happy kid. and it radiates.
well, that’s about it. that’s what happened half of my day.
the other half was and is spent on facing the computer.,trying to reach my sister’s high score in diamond dash [which i couldn’t because i can’t afford those upgrades and she can, she spent dollars just for it
[i guess]] and liking posts on Tumblr.
lasssstllyyyy, before i end this nonsense blog, i would like to announce to everyone that i think i might be in love with Tumblr. i super love it. that’s all. i just can’t stop scrolling for him over and over again. 😉 if you know what i mean.
P.S. i was supposed to be spending time with my friends this afternoon, but the other friend just won’t reply and answer our callS. she’s a sleepy head and at the same time a Guinness World Record holder [‘my friends’ edition] for longest “no sleep” criteria. and i guess she’s reading this now. 😛