Desperate Moves.

Last January 23, 2012 I composed a text message to John Doe but never had the guts to send it to him.
“KUNG HEI FAT CHOI ____ ! J Here it goes… Since it’s new year I’m gonna say this. I liked you… then but I was too preoccupied with my life, having fun and all. As you’ve said, we have different worlds. I party, you study. And now, I’m not so sure how I feel for you. I ask myself the same question over and over, what if. I don’t know why but you kind of have this effect on me that I don’t want to entertain. Especially now, when everything’s complicated, I don’t want to complicate it even more. I guess my life WAS all planned out before. Timing’s a bitch. I thought you’d wait. But I was wrong. Maybe I have left you too hanging. Now the wheels turned to its opposite direction – me wanting your attention. I guess I deserve this. My fault. I really wonder… why you? Of all the guys… Life is a cliché. You want what you can’t get, and get what you don’t really want. God has His purpose. Maybe he does not will us to be together now, or maybe in the future. So, for now I’ll just ready myself for the right one, although deep inside I really hoped that it would be you. Goodnight!”

Ew! Sounds desperate alright. I read it a hundred times after texting it. It was not send-worthy. Desperate! Desperate! Desperate! Sh!t, No, not me, please. I tried a 7 day trial. My friends told me to do so. 7 days without texting him. I did just that.  Today is actually the 7th day and surprisingly I survived it. Those days were terrible; his name came running through my mind all day. Hoping that maybe he’d text me first or just text me once… but none of it happened. I gave telekinesis [or whatever you call that mind control thing] a chance wishing that he’d dream of me and text me the next morning, but again, nothing happened.
Maybe my friends were right. Maybe I just fell in love with the thought of not having him. That maybe, when the time comes that he’ll leave his GF for me, I’ll freak out ‘cause I’m not ready yet.
It’s just so sad to know that he’ll never text me if I don’t text him first. If a guy’s like that, then perhaps he’s not worthy of my love and attention. I read on tumblr a note that says, “Never go after someone who is taken. Respect their relationship and most importantly yourself.” Damn that hurts. It hurts because it is true. I have to respect them and myself.
In order to love, I must love myself first and I presume that is what I’m doing right now. Enjoying my freedom and loving ME. The hell with that guy. Someday I’ll find him crawling back to me and I wouldn’t even give a damn because I’m actually through with him. I deserve better.

An Option is Not A Choice.

Nobody wants to be an option. [hell yeah! ]

But what’s very disappointing in life is that, you’ll never know when you’ll be one. It’s shitty, I know. I’ve been there. I, myself, have been an option for how many guys. It sucks – again.  You just can’t say that [when you haven’t been one] “I’M NEVER GONNA BE AN OPTION,” [when you heard rumors about someone being just an option] “I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME” or [when it happened to you already] “I WILL NEVER EVER LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN!” It’s just really hard to let go of the feelings you have for that special person who just treat you like shit.

It’s like lining up for a concert show that’s never gonna happen; it’s like auditioning for Pinoy Big Brother  and making a fool of yourself yet still not being selected as a housemate; it’s like sending an application letter to an employee whose not so sure of hiring you because just maybe there are others who are better than you. . .

And sometimes, just sometimes, when you’r finally given the chance to be a housemate because of the Unlimited Edition thingy?, you get to be nominated out. Life indeed is full of false hopes, very non-therapeutic to the heart. And that’s the reason why the heart gets crazier and crazier.

Nevertheless, every so often, at the end of the day, being an option is more than enough. You find yourself satisfied of just being such and at the same time full of hope that someday he will treat you as his ONLY choice.

Of letting go and moving on…

Approximately 2 or 3 years ago [not so good with dates], I met a guy in college and we sorta just “clicked”. But the weird thing here is that *drum roll* we clicked only in mobile texting. Yes, I know, it sucks. Big time! F*** you Technology! Why do I always end up with guys like these… guys who I can’t really talk to in person??? I mean, yeah, now I know that they do exist! Maybe Katy Perry’s song IS right… He’s a mannequin, not a man.

This is my side of the story.

I wrote this letter for him, a couple of years after. . . I can’t even remember.

To my John Doe. My Ex John Doe.

Dear __________,
I’m making this public but of course still private in a way that I didn’t write your name. I wanted to but I can’t. Just read on…
It’s been a while since we’ve chatted. Not a text or a simple hello have I heard from you. Well, of course you can’t text me. I’ve already deleted your number and you’ve deleted mine as well. We both decided that… I mean, I decided that and you agreed with it. I really hoped you’d stop me then and tell me that you needed me and my number… but you didn’t [I was so stupid]. You let me go just like that. But still I was hoping that you’d text me after that. I hoped that you will get my number from one of my friends and text me again, but you didn’t. So there was really no communication between us that time. At some point I found myself thinking about what had happened between us and what could have been, though there was really nothing between us but mere friendship, in txts [only], that is. Regret was also one of my foes at that time. I hated it and I hated myself …considering how everything turned out. But amidst that I remained in content and reserved because I know that in time I will be able to understand this fathomless bleak relationship of ours and my bizarre random mind and decisions. I also made myself believe in destiny and in that belief I was looking forward to meeting you again and now really being friends. There is just something so captivating in you that I found myself fascinated… and in the end [I found myself] in love.

I haven’t seen you for a while then. . .

One night, I was dreaming about you. You and I actually. We were really happy. I woke up with a smile. At least, saying to myself, I’ve seen you in my dreams and in a way still feel your presence. I wasn’t really expecting to see you that day but I did. And to my surprise, I’ve had gathered the greatest courage to say Hi with a smile and without being shy, at all.  I was shock but happy. Seeing you again was like experiencing snow in this tropical country.

What we had was really insanely weird but cute. We texted mostly/only during holidays/weekends – a time when we won’t be seeing each other for quite some time. We really get along well in txts but when we see each other in person, either one of us backed out. We exchange distant Hi’s and Hello’s instead. It’s like we are ashamed of being friends. I don’t know what you were thinking then but, for me, it feels like …it’s just better off without knowing each other.

When one of my closest friends became your classmate, I was kindda happy. She could be my gateway to seeing you. Then there would be no reason for anyone to suspect me of stalking you or having a crush on you. Yes. I guess I had a crush on you then… maybe until now [I don’t know] but I’m trying to take it off my system. I was inviting her to certain laags or getaways and I was happy one time when she said that you are going too. I talked to you remember? I really made an effort there, but then, you didn’t reply as much as I wanted you to. You were really shy, I guess. You regretted that day, didn’t you? That afternoon, you texted me how sorry you are for how you acted earlier. Eventually, we end up exchanging texts about how “amang”[mute?] and “buta”[blind] we were.

Many holidays passed… we were still texting each other. And for several days of careful thought I decided to end it. Why? Because I’m so tired of texting a person I already knew through texting but in reality I can’t even talk to. I don’t know what lures me to keep on texting you. I guess I just want to be part of your life and that I hoped that you wanted me to be a part of your life too…  
Well, the moment we stopped texting each other… I was kindda sad. I had really no one significant to text to except my friends. There’s no more beating heart when I hear my cell ring. But it was alright. I made it happen. I made you delete my number. But you know what? I still remember the last three numbers of your cellphone number, just in case you txt me again.

Then my friend, who became one of your close friends, told me that you told her that we were text mates. Thanks a lot. I really got into a lot of denying there. But I knew that from the moment she heard it from you, it wouldn’t get out of her mind. So, I have to deal with it for a while. Who cares only she knows about our txting thing.

One day, I heard someone teasing somebody your name. It turns out that you were also into her during the first semester. But I didn’t bother because there was really nothing between us, right? Then this girl became one of my best friends. What’s good is that, we don’t really talk about boys that much or even our love life. So we really won’t be opening any topic about you, thank God. It was a secret I’ll never tell, gossip girl would say so.
Just so you know, I already had my debut. Yeah, I remember that you’ve greeted me in facebook and that was, I guess, the last communication ever. Anyways, during that certain party of mine your name was mentioned, I don’t know why… but the past seemed to really hunt me down. I was exposed. It felt like my personal space was being occupied by strangers putting me in the limelight, asking me questions that I would not dare to answer. 

THE BALL THING. Yes. The ball thing. It came out in a blue! And everyone was so shock and was teasing me already even until class started. And that is the reason why I can’t say Hi to you anymore or smile at you publicly when I’m with my friends. They tease me every chance they get. And I don’t want that. Why? Firstly, because you have a thing for my other friend. Secondly, because I don’t know if you feel something for me or if you want to be friends with me. And lastly, because I don’t want to feel this feeling I have for you. [Or maybe the last and first reasons should exchange places – whatever.]

I don’t know why I’m even writing this, but it just came through my mind and I had to write it. I never intended everything to happen. And I’m sorry if you feel that I’m such a snob. Because the truth is, I’m not. I just don’t feel that this is right. You are also a snob you know… you make me feel insecure, in a way. But nevertheless, I want us to be friends which seems to be quite impossible nowadays ‘cause I already have friends that are being a paparazzi every time you and I came along.

My friends were bugging me one time about what really took place …and because of successive persistence I was able to open up my experience with you to them. Up till now, I was bothered by the unravelling questions of my friends. Of thoughts I decided to let go, of feelings I tried to forget, of pasts I struggled to move on to… My mind was finally filled with answers I was trying to escape then, when in the first place, I know, was inevitable.

These were my answers:
1. Yes I had a crush on you.
2. And yes, if you were the first one to invite me to that stupid ball of yours I might have said yes because I want to know you more regardless of the idea that I have to wear a dress and everything else that I worry about – what my friends will think.
3. At some point in my past have regretted deleting your number but still I hoped it was the best thing to do.
These were my thoughts:
My friend was right when she said that I was thinking too much of what they would say and how they would’ve reacted. I was stupid. I was thinking of the future [like, what will happen next?] when in fact I was in the present [like, what will I do now?]. I was just too afraid…
Today is the future I thought about in the past present. What could’ve transpired between us now if I had followed my heart and just let go of my fear? Or if I had only waited? Patience, with regards to lovelife, seemed to be not one of my values, not until now. But it’s too late, I suppose. I just want to leave the past behind us and move on with our lives, however, between those notions of letting you go and putting you out of my mind, my heart let out a little cry and wishes for the past to come back.

P.S. I told you earlier that I don’t know my reason for writing this… well, I was writing this, because I want you to know if I could delete you in my facebook. I just want you out of my friend’s list to see if you’ll add me back. I’m willing to see how much pride you have. Well, I have loads of pride, but writing this letter means I’m toning it down… But I guess, this won’t do too… You already proved your pride when you [I think] actually deleted my number and never txted me again. Perhaps that actually supported the idea that you’re really not in to me and that my decision of letting you go through letting go of your number was never a mistake in the first place but rather an experience well-learned. I’m not naive. I don’t want to be.

Another reason for deleting you in my Facebook? I don’t want to see you online anymore. I don’t want to be that stupid girl who opens the chat lists and looks for that certain person and stare at that certain name, waiting for him to buzz her. That never happened right? Once upon a time, I took the risk. I opened the chat lists, looked for your name, and tried to open up a conversation. But that was as useless as ever. It didn’t change anything. Wait a minute… it did change a thing, my pride. And god, how I regretted it. But what more could I do? I am just a hopeless romantic. And you are just an insensitive, egocentric being, who loves to play his own little game of peek-a-boo.

Love Quotes for Starters

Love quotes that you wouldn’t want to hear ’cause it sucks to hear ==== ’cause it’s the truth.

These are my collection of love quotes that I’ve stumbled upon for the past few days or everyday @ Tumblr [thy ultimate source]. *Hands down to my “sponsorS“? 

These are copied and pasted? quotes by the way.. not mine. 
Spread the hurt!.,  not the love. 

  1. The greatest battle ever fought by anyone is the battle of love that cannot be yours… No matter how strong your shield is, or how sharp your sword, the bleeding cannot be prevented, and the hurt will never be concealed… For the wound of the body can be healed, but the wound of the heart will forever leave a scar, and this scar will always remind of a battle never won.
  2. Some people push people away because they don’t want to get hurt. Some people push people away because they got hurt.
  3. Two people don’t have to be together right now, in a month, or in a year. If those two people are meant to be, then they will be together somehow at sometime in life.
  4. Being stuck in the past is like walking forward with your back facing the front. You’ll always miss out on what’s in front of you. 
  5. I’ve tried playing it cool but when I’m looking at you I can’t ever be brave ’cause you make my heart race.
  6. Loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way is like using a white crayon on a white paper. You exert effort, yet it’s always invisible.
  7. Sometimes it’s easier to say you don’t care instead of trying to explain every reason why you still do.
  8. The worst feeling in the world is when you know you’re losing someone and there’s nothing that you can do to prevent yourself from being replaced.
  9. Waiting for someone you love is never easy. It may even be irrelevant especialy when the one you’re waiting for isn’t aware that you’re waiting.