Approximately 2 or 3 years ago [not so good with dates], I met a guy in college and we sorta just “clicked”. But the weird thing here is that *drum roll* we clicked only in mobile texting. Yes, I know, it sucks. Big time! F*** you Technology! Why do I always end up with guys like these… guys who I can’t really talk to in person??? I mean, yeah, now I know that they do exist! Maybe Katy Perry’s song IS right… He’s a mannequin, not a man.
This is my side of the story.
I wrote this letter for him, a couple of years after. . . I can’t even remember.
To my John Doe. My Ex John Doe.
I’m making this public but of course still private in a way that I didn’t write your name. I wanted to but I can’t. Just read on…
It’s been a while since we’ve chatted. Not a text or a simple hello have I heard from you. Well, of course you can’t text me. I’ve already deleted your number and you’ve deleted mine as well. We both decided that… I mean, I decided that and you agreed with it. I really hoped you’d stop me then and tell me that you needed me and my number… but you didn’t [I was so stupid]. You let me go just like that. But still I was hoping that you’d text me after that. I hoped that you will get my number from one of my friends and text me again, but you didn’t. So there was really no communication between us that time. At some point I found myself thinking about what had happened between us and what could have been, though there was really nothing between us but mere friendship, in txts [only], that is. Regret was also one of my foes at that time. I hated it and I hated myself …considering how everything turned out. But amidst that I remained in content and reserved because I know that in time I will be able to understand this fathomless bleak relationship of ours and my bizarre random mind and decisions. I also made myself believe in destiny and in that belief I was looking forward to meeting you again and now really being friends. There is just something so captivating in you that I found myself fascinated… and in the end [I found myself] in love.
I haven’t seen you for a while then. . .
One night, I was dreaming about you. You and I actually. We were really happy. I woke up with a smile. At least, saying to myself, I’ve seen you in my dreams and in a way still feel your presence. I wasn’t really expecting to see you that day but I did. And to my surprise, I’ve had gathered the greatest courage to say Hi with a smile and without being shy, at all. I was shock but happy. Seeing you again was like experiencing snow in this tropical country.
What we had was really insanely weird but cute. We texted mostly/only during holidays/weekends – a time when we won’t be seeing each other for quite some time. We really get along well in txts but when we see each other in person, either one of us backed out. We exchange distant Hi’s and Hello’s instead. It’s like we are ashamed of being friends. I don’t know what you were thinking then but, for me, it feels like …it’s just better off without knowing each other.
When one of my closest friends became your classmate, I was kindda happy. She could be my gateway to seeing you. Then there would be no reason for anyone to suspect me of stalking you or having a crush on you. Yes. I guess I had a crush on you then… maybe until now [I don’t know] but I’m trying to take it off my system. I was inviting her to certain laags or getaways and I was happy one time when she said that you are going too. I talked to you remember? I really made an effort there, but then, you didn’t reply as much as I wanted you to. You were really shy, I guess. You regretted that day, didn’t you? That afternoon, you texted me how sorry you are for how you acted earlier. Eventually, we end up exchanging texts about how “amang”[mute?] and “buta”[blind] we were.
Many holidays passed… we were still texting each other. And for several days of careful thought I decided to end it. Why? Because I’m so tired of texting a person I already knew through texting but in reality I can’t even talk to. I don’t know what lures me to keep on texting you. I guess I just want to be part of your life and that I hoped that you wanted me to be a part of your life too…
Well, the moment we stopped texting each other… I was kindda sad. I had really no one significant to text to except my friends. There’s no more beating heart when I hear my cell ring. But it was alright. I made it happen. I made you delete my number. But you know what? I still remember the last three numbers of your cellphone number, just in case you txt me again.
Then my friend, who became one of your close friends, told me that you told her that we were text mates. Thanks a lot. I really got into a lot of denying there. But I knew that from the moment she heard it from you, it wouldn’t get out of her mind. So, I have to deal with it for a while. Who cares only she knows about our txting thing.
One day, I heard someone teasing somebody your name. It turns out that you were also into her during the first semester. But I didn’t bother because there was really nothing between us, right? Then this girl became one of my best friends. What’s good is that, we don’t really talk about boys that much or even our love life. So we really won’t be opening any topic about you, thank God. It was a secret I’ll never tell, gossip girl would say so.
Just so you know, I already had my debut. Yeah, I remember that you’ve greeted me in facebook and that was, I guess, the last communication ever. Anyways, during that certain party of mine your name was mentioned, I don’t know why… but the past seemed to really hunt me down. I was exposed. It felt like my personal space was being occupied by strangers putting me in the limelight, asking me questions that I would not dare to answer.
THE BALL THING. Yes. The ball thing. It came out in a blue! And everyone was so shock and was teasing me already even until class started. And that is the reason why I can’t say Hi to you anymore or smile at you publicly when I’m with my friends. They tease me every chance they get. And I don’t want that. Why? Firstly, because you have a thing for my other friend. Secondly, because I don’t know if you feel something for me or if you want to be friends with me. And lastly, because I don’t want to feel this feeling I have for you. [Or maybe the last and first reasons should exchange places – whatever.]
I don’t know why I’m even writing this, but it just came through my mind and I had to write it. I never intended everything to happen. And I’m sorry if you feel that I’m such a snob. Because the truth is, I’m not. I just don’t feel that this is right. You are also a snob you know… you make me feel insecure, in a way. But nevertheless, I want us to be friends which seems to be quite impossible nowadays ‘cause I already have friends that are being a paparazzi every time you and I came along.
My friends were bugging me one time about what really took place …and because of successive persistence I was able to open up my experience with you to them. Up till now, I was bothered by the unravelling questions of my friends. Of thoughts I decided to let go, of feelings I tried to forget, of pasts I struggled to move on to… My mind was finally filled with answers I was trying to escape then, when in the first place, I know, was inevitable.
These were my answers:
1. Yes I had a crush on you.
2. And yes, if you were the first one to invite me to that stupid ball of yours I might have said yes because I want to know you more regardless of the idea that I have to wear a dress and everything else that I worry about – what my friends will think.
3. At some point in my past I have regretted deleting your number but still I hoped it was the best thing to do.
These were my thoughts:
My friend was right when she said that I was thinking too much of what they would say and how they would’ve reacted. I was stupid. I was thinking of the future [like, what will happen next?] when in fact I was in the present [like, what will I do now?]. I was just too afraid…
Today is the future I thought about in the past present. What could’ve transpired between us now if I had followed my heart and just let go of my fear? Or if I had only waited? Patience, with regards to lovelife, seemed to be not one of my values, not until now. But it’s too late, I suppose. I just want to leave the past behind us and move on with our lives, however, between those notions of letting you go and putting you out of my mind, my heart let out a little cry and wishes for the past to come back.
P.S. I told you earlier that I don’t know my reason for writing this… well, I was writing this, because I want you to know if I could delete you in my facebook. I just want you out of my friend’s list to see if you’ll add me back. I’m willing to see how much pride you have. Well, I have loads of pride, but writing this letter means I’m toning it down… But I guess, this won’t do too… You already proved your pride when you [I think] actually deleted my number and never txted me again. Perhaps that actually supported the idea that you’re really not in to me and that my decision of letting you go through letting go of your number was never a mistake in the first place but rather an experience well-learned. I’m not naive. I don’t want to be.
Another reason for deleting you in my Facebook? I don’t want to see you online anymore. I don’t want to be that stupid girl who opens the chat lists and looks for that certain person and stare at that certain name, waiting for him to buzz her. That never happened right? Once upon a time, I took the risk. I opened the chat lists, looked for your name, and tried to open up a conversation. But that was as useless as ever. It didn’t change anything. Wait a minute… it did change a thing, my pride. And god, how I regretted it. But what more could I do? I am just a hopeless romantic. And you are just an insensitive, egocentric being, who loves to play his own little game of peek-a-boo.