Edit me.

The thing about mutual break ups is that 

it gives you no sufficient reason to move on. 

It’s the same feeling when someone leaves you hanging, 

but worst. 

Because you know this person really loved you and cared for you. 

You try hard to hold on to your feelings, 

only letting out what needs to be heard on the other line, 

while giving no justice

to your wounded-trying-hard-mending-heart. 

Mutual break-ups & secret love affairs…

Are not good combos especially when that love is rare. 

True and pure. 

That feeling you thought would last a lifetime. 

Yes. It does lasts, but you’ll get stuck with that somewhere.

I still love you too.

And it’s not going away.

The feeling is haunting me.

It never left me like you did.

It’s staying. And it’s making life unbearable to live.

The feeling’s the same.

It hasn’t moved on like you did. 

It’s suicidal, even. It’s killing my insides like there’s no tomorrow.

My heart’s a treasure chest of emotions. 

Piling up gravels of love and despair. 

Diggers dig deep to search for gold, 

only to find that what’s within are rocks and stones. 

I am not numb and 

I am just not capable~

Of loving someone as much as I have loved you.
EDIT ME

Rate the Date

Katatapos ko lang maghugas ng pinggan. Natawa ako kasi nakalimutan ko itong hugasan kanina bago umalis ng bahay. NANG DAHIL SA KARAOKE. Lol. Me and my cousin spent 4hours karaoke-ing. Kakabili lang kasi namin ng Magic Sing at excited na excited si mommy na i-try ito. Hindi namin namalayan na 1pm na pala.


Nagkaroon ako ng instant date kanina. 
Date na siguro ang tawag dun.
Eh kasi, may favor ako sa isang kaibigan tapos yun lang ang naisip kong paraan para suklian ang kanyang kabutihan. Siya pa ang naglibre sa akin ng movie at dinner. . . ironic kasi ako ang naghingi ng por favor. Kebz na.


Awkard.
Yan lang ang masasabi ko.
Don’t get me wrong, masaya ako kanina. 
Siya nga dapat ang magreklamo kasi twice na nya napanood ang Avengers, pero nanood pa rin siya alang-alang sakin. 
Pero grabe ka naman bro, feeling close ka kaagad. Di porket nanghingi ako ng favor pwede mo na akong ganyanin. Grabe ang “da-moves” teh. Di ko keri.


Di kasi ako sanay na ganyanin eh. 
Unang date pa lang, aakbay na kaagad? At nagrequest pa ng holding hands? Haler? 
Ano tayo na ba? Magsyota? Pft!
Masyado kang excited, wala pa nman akong nararamdaman para sau. 
Oo., User na kung user.


Sorry… at salamat na din. Mabait ka sana, excited nga lang. . . 
Di mo ba alam na hanggang ngayo’y may BHD pa ako? 










“`I think I need to read my “Act like a Lady, Think like a Man” handbook again. Mabuti na ang handa. 


Church Tomorrow~
Lord Forgive me.




Rate: 6 

To Liquor with Love


Sober I am not.

It’s you I think when I’m drunk.

It’s funny what liquor could do

and how simply the subconscious mind takes over you.

In just one shot I’ll be

Leaving you billions of missed calls

in just one drunken night.

I’ll befriend a stranger,

Kiss a guy I don’t even like,

Dance like nobody’s watching,

Talk as if everyone’s listening

and worse,

Lie where my puke is and call it home.

I blame alcohol

for everything stupid I’ve done in my life.

But I don’t regret every inch of it.

Smoke and Rum.
Love and Lust.

It makes you fly and fall at the same time,

It makes you kiss the ground and lose your pride.

And that is why
 I thank LIQUOR.

For everything it has done to me.

Thoughts, promises, and alibis,
&& all the shitty things one could think of.

Still, LIQUOR through thick and thin,

Release the mask that’s from within.

For a minute there it sounded like a witch’s spell.

But what the eff, cheers to LIQUOR.

For without it,
where would you be right now?

Where would you gain the guts to say it all?

Would you rather settle with just one missed call?



Death, etc.

Nagising nalang ako isang umaga na masarap ang pakiramdam, ngunit parang may hindi tama, may kulang. Ginising ako sa amoy ng pochero na nanggaling sa kusina namin. POOOOCHERO., paborito ko. Wow naman, umagang umaga, pochero na ang ulam. Hindi ba’t masyadong heavy ang meal na yun pangbreakfast? Ok lang siguro kasi may kasabihan naman na kapag breakfast, Eat like a KING. Lalalala… 

Pagdating ko sa kusina, nalaman kong tama nga ang aking hinala, pochero nga ang ulam namin. Ngunit bakit walang mga tao sa bahay? [Nagtataka ngunit deep inside masaya. Solong-solo ko na ang pochero.]  

Nakita ko si nanay sa may sala. Umiiyak. Tumutulo ang luha habang nagcocrossstitch. Linapitan ko para i-invite kumain. Ngunit ito’y biglang tumayo’t lumakad patungo kung saan ako… Woosh! She walked right through me. WHAT?! 

Di ako makapaniwala. Ghost ba ako? Anong set-up to? Isang high tech na April fool’s trick? Big Brother pwede voluntary exit? Ito ba ang tinutukoy ng mga  patay na bampira sa teleseryeng VAMPIRE DIARIES na “THE OTHER SIDE”? Shit. Pwede bang drama nalang ang lahat na ito?!? Oo kaya kong umarte, pero grabe naman ang set up parang surreal na parang hindi. 


Umiyak na ako ng umiyak, di bale na walang pochero basta’t buhay lang ako. Please Lord. Please. 

Dumami na ang mga tao sa bahay. Lahat umiiyak, lahat pinag-uusapan ang kabutihan ko noong buhay pa daw ako [weh?], lahat ay nandoon dahil patay na daw ako. 


Gumising ako na umiiyak noong araw na yun. 
Isa lang ito sa napakaraming ko nang panaginip na patay na ako. 

Dreams about death.

According to dreammoods.com 
              To dream that you die in your dream symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. You are undergoing a transitional phase and are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Although such a dream may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm as it is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

             On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation. You are desperately trying to escape from the demands of your daily life.

Blahblahblah whatever. 
Siguro nga may pinagdaanan ako noong mga panahong iyon., 
Pero wait! 
Hindi naman tungkol sakin ang blog na ito. Di natin tatalakayin ang nakaraan. Please!?!


Napaisip lang talaga ako sa concept of Death kasi kakaattend ko lang ng funeral kahapon.


Maliban sa Valentines Day, ito ang isa sa pinaka-ayaw ko na okasyon.
Masyado kasing… SAD. Single Awareness Day? Di naman siguro.


Umiiyak na mga anak o kamag-anak, sinisigaw ang pangalan ng patay, susundan pa sa pagbitiw sa apat na napakasakit na salita na “BAKIT INIWAN MO KAMI?”


Yan ang script. Este., mga pangyayari kahapon. Di ko keri. Talaga. 
Tila naluluha ako kahit hindi ko naman gaano ka-close yung linibing.


Napaisip kasi ako kung paano kung minamahal ko na yung ililibing. 
Takot ako. 
Takot akong mawala ang mga magulang ko, mga kapatid, kapamilya, kapuso… 

At ang worst na naisip ko,. Paano kung ako na ang ililibing?
May mga tao kayang iiyak? Wait., unang tanong, marami kaya ang dadalo? Shit.


Bata, matanda, lalake, babae, gay, mataba, anorexic bitch, pari, snatcher, police, rapist, 
walang pinipili si Haring Kamatayan.
Yan ang hirap sa kanya. Hindi mo malalaman kung kailan susulpot sa buhay mo at kunin ang pinakaiingatan mo <hindi ang Bataan ah… LOL>, ang iyong buhay.


21 years of existence.
Sapat na ba?
Pwede na ba akong mamatay? 
Binuhay lang ba ako para mag-aral, makakuha ng degree sa Nursing, makapasa sa napaka-no-sweat-comma-all-pray na Board Exam, at pagkatapos ay mamamatay? 
Di naman siguro.

Jeremiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

P.S. Sinabi ko kanina na hindi tungkol sa akin ang blog na ito. Pero ciguro obvious naman na tungkol talaga ito sa akin. Blog ko to eh. D-U-H?

Love Shit Diagnosed.

We didn’t fall out of love.

We were and we still are in love.

This is what love does.

It not only brings two people together, but it also separates these people.

Love is full of shit not even human beings can explain.

But I bet cow aliens knew love.
They’d say, love is an UFO – An Unidentified Fucking Object.

It scares the hell of out of people ‘cause no one knows when it’s gonna hit them.

Get the picture?

It hits you straight right there. There in your heart. Inside your ventricles, your arteries, your myocardial septum, and suchlike. It seeps thru your skin, your muscles, and whatever layer there is in the human body. And it goes inside, infecting not only the heart but also your mind. It also begins to show in your skin, you bloom like a flower, and it just radiates all throughout. It makes you smile as if someone told you that you’re cute even when you’re really not and oh, your eyes are full of joy, cheerful in every way as if you’re sure you’re going to heaven.

But hearts also suffer from defects you know… And the mind diagnoses it as BHD or Broken Heart Disease related to lover’s quarrel, long distance relationship, infidelity, and other complicated situations.

Indications? Lack of sleep. Tears before sleep that will eventually lead to eye bags. Blank stare. Reminiscing of past [happy/sad] memories in the mind such as that of PTSD, in layman’s term, “relapse”. And a lot, lot more. These signs usually happen when you’re alone, when it’s raining and cold, and when it’s evening when you’re prepping for sleep. Sometimes, it just happens right there and then. You’ll realize that that shitty, supposed to be “goody-feel” virus that infected your whole being, that made you smile like a flower and bloom like your skin???? Is one crazy disease.

See what I did there? Everything’s so messed up. Scrambled words like scrambled eggs. Difficult to identify egg white from egg yolk. That is love’s after effects. It doesn’t make you high, FYI. It feels like hell in hell my friend would say so. Soooo down, sooooo low, it feels like having been chased by ‘Samara’ [Movie: The Ring] while you’re stuck below a 50ft ‘water-filled’ well and catching your breath. It’s like, a dead end. And any other metaphor you could think of.

Yeah, yeah…. It sucks. Love sucks.

And it’s sad to hear that amidst the overpopulation of people with heart disease, there has been no cure yet for BHD, specifically.  What NHDs or Numb Heart Doctors [we call them as such because they don’t feel a bit of heartache, and they are exactly what BHDs need] usually give you are palliatives. And it’s not even that effective. Worst, NHRN or Numb Heart Registered Nurses would start giving you advice about relaxation techniques “that could help” along with the meds. But they don’t. They don’t facilitate the mending of your heart, it just exacerbates it.

The truth is every day you have to face what’s going on with your life, think about that person, think about the memories you’ve spent together, think of what ifs, think of your regrets and whatever there is to think about. Trying not to think about it like what the NHRN suggested is certainly not worth the try because the more you try not to; the more you crave for it and the cracks of your heart just gets worse.

&& when a day goes by that you forgot to think about these stuffs, it just shows that your wounds are now healing. Maybe not yet that stable or permanent, but at least you’re getting there. Glued back like how it’s supposed to be.

And that my friends, is LOVE.
 It’s a cycle that’ll never end~

Sell Lust

Oo. Selosa ako. Selosa akong tao.
Marami akong pinagseselosan.
Pasensya na… Tao lang.


Nagseselos ako…
sa mga taong may katext.
sa mga may ka-call.
sa mga may ka-I LOVE YOU
sa mga may ka-I MISS YOU
sa mga may ka-Happy Weeksary/ Monthsary/ Anniversary.
sa mga taong may txt msg sa inbox na may “tsuptsup”, “mwahmwah”, “hughug”, “tsupahug”, “mwahugz”, atbp.
Oo. Ganyan ka-kitid ang utak ko’t nagseselos ako.


Nagseselos ako…
sa mga may ka-HHWW.
sa mga may ka-cuddle tuwing gabi.
sa mga may ka-hug tuwing ikay inis na inis.
sa mga may ka-lambing tuwing kelangan mo ng lambing.


Yan ang buhay ng mga commited.
At yan ang pinagseselosan ko na mga tao.


Pero teka nga… Di ba dapat sila ang nagseselos sa buhay naming Single?


Buhay Single.
Buhay Party-Party!
Buhay Tambay minsan.
Buhay concentrate sa trabaho.
Buhay concentrate sa barkada.
Inuman. Lasingan. Sayawan sa Disco. At kung ano pang bisyong nalalaman.
Yan. Ang Buhay. SINGLE.


Wala kang ibang aatupagin kundi ang sarili mo. Walang commitment.
Minimum flings a year: 3
Minimum M.U. : 2
at Minimum Pagganap sa role ni Anne Curtis sa pelikulang NO OTHER WOMAN: 1
BOOOM!

Pero nakakaloka nga ang buhay.

Kung anong meron ka, eh yan ayaw mo. At VICE VERSA.


Ako, isang single, nagseselos sa mga commited.
Ikaw commited, di ka ba nagseselos samin mga single?






[sinulat base sa naisip, di pa na-edit, PAK!]

Formula, Wer U?

During our IVT Training, sinabi ng lecturer, “You must memorize the formula… gtts/min x 60 debayded by drop pactor [WHATEVER maam] becus you cannot the solb the provlem without dis…”

Napaisip tuloy ako. .. kaya siguro hindi ko nasosolve ang mga problema ko sa buhay kasi  wala akong formula na nalalaman. . . Nadinig siguro ni Maam kung ano iniisip ko’t sinabi na “Sa life, there are many formulas… but for this one you must stick with the formula.” DAMN! Marami pa lang formula, pero bakit ni isa di ko makuha ang tamang sagot? Ganyan na ba talaga ako ka-bobo sa MATH?

Napansin ko, habang tumatanda ako, nagiging mas mahirap ang paggawa nang desisyon sa buhay. Kung noo’y pinapapili ka lang sa dalawang bagay, eh ngayo’y kay napakarami na ng pagpipilian. Kung baga ay parang karenderia ni Aling Nena na sa napakaraming masarap na ulam ay di mo na alam kung anong pipiliin mo.

Sabi nga ng inay, “PRIORITIZE”.
Ang hirap magprioritize. Sabi nga ng kabarkada ko, “Ang pag-aaral ay hadlang sa pagbabarkada”.
Kaya ewan. Dito muna.
Iniisip ko pa kung ano ba talaga priority ko sa buhay.

LVOE? WRKO? FRNDIES? FMLIYA?
Pag-iisipan ko nga muna. . .  Ciao!