Well, can you?

Yes.
I’m writing to you. 
I’m writing to you because you’re all I have now. 
You listen. You don’t judge. And most importantly, you listen.


You see, for these past few days I’ve been struggling. Struggling with my different epic love stories and putting an end to each one. I feel sorry about what I’ve done, really. Intertwining those men as if they were my hands. Squeezing every bit of their soul and nourishing myself with what they could give to me, the comfy feeling of not being alone in this room full of crowd. I’m not the bad guy here. . . I loved every one of them. But I guess, they just don’t love me enough. And I’m not playing as the victim here. Ok? I’m just telling you things that are running in the my head right now. To get to the point.., I loved them, used them, let them go, and moved on. 


But there’s still this one person you know… this person who just couldn’t get through the process of straining. No matter how much I stitch this heart of mine back to how it was? there’s always a part of it that just can’t be done. 


I really don’t know how moving on works. Well maybe I do, but not in this case. This is different. Believe me.


I may have mentioned it to you in one of my so-called-poems, the one about mutual break-ups. . .
Ok. I admit. It was my decision actually. 
Me the omnipotent. The righteous. The coward. The confused. I just did what was right, for the time being. 


Long distance bullshit.
And now what? 
The longing~
More like the hell experience. 
Extreme pain and an endless series of regret.
The waiting and wanting. To go back. To what used to be.


Yes. We still communicate. We promised that we’d still be good friends that day I decided to end it. And yes, here we are, good friends acting as if nothing happened. Yet every now and then the messages just seem to get really familiar. The way we respond to every question asked or the way we cared for each other even when it’s not needed. The simple gestures of love, the 143s, the kiss/hug smileys, the pet names, the IMYs and ILYs all spelled out completely. Dammit. It was like “US” years ago. The “US” who were young and stupid and clumsy and madly in love with each other. It was like a spell that compelled me to fall once and for all in love, again, with the same person.  


I am aching inside and it seemed like I’m experiencing a wound dehiscence, or the like. && I blame me. I blame my poor skills in wound closure technique. I blame my weakness and fragility. I blame my vulnerability. I blame my heart, most specially. And secretly, at times, I wish it’d stop beating just because. 


I can’t go back. 
I’m fighting gravity. 
But like the clock going clockwise, I always end up falling and falling all over again. 
Right now, I’m just glad I have a strong mind. My mind is my knight. It fights for the good and it defends the weak, which is my heart. I suppose, it knows me better than my heart does.








Can you really still be friends with a person you love and loves you back? Tell me. Please. Because I really need you’re effin advice… but I don’t know if I want to hear it. I’m so used to ending relationships. I don’t know how start all over again. </3

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O.A.

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it’s when he ignores you and you still love him, it’s when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I’m happy for you, when all you really do is cry.” – Unknown

1

Walkin’ in circles
Gone nowhere but here.
Not a pump from my ventricles,
Not a heartbeat I hear.


Lost without you can’t you see
My heart’s bleeding
Like that stagnant sea
Where underwater’s a calamity.


You ~
Are all I think about.
Yesterday’s touch, where today’s regret.
Yesterday’s love, forever I’ll cherish.


Can’t seem to get tired, it makes me high.
Replaying memories when it was still ‘YouandI’
What music said my ears, What pain said my heart.
Still, in the end, the decision comes from the mind.


Move on was exactly what I said.
But deep inside I know it didn’t make sense.
Now I’m all alone, fillin’ up this bed. 
Fillin’ it up with the thought of your existence.


I just want you to know how much I miss you.
I miss you every single day.
And no matter how much I want you,
There’s always something holding me back.


Right here, right where I’m at.
Walkin in circles.
Gone nowhere.
Still here, all alone.

Si Dodong Txtmate.

Taman ra ba jud ko txtmate dodong?
Kung gi-laay ka, kung wala na siya…
Ako na.
Ako na ang martyr.


Ug karon, ako dili na magpauwat nimo.
Friendly ra jud siguro ka na pagkatawo.
Kung usob ako nimo mahulog.
Ikaduha na jud ning dinanghag, pagkabogo.


Apan unsaon nako pagkahibalo
Kung tinud-anay na diay ng imo?
Mangutana ba ko?
Magpabaga ug nawong?


Ug sa dihang naa pud biya koy garbo dong.
Gamay nalang ni pero ako japong pahimuslan.
Gamay nalang pero sige lang,
Atong tan-awon kung naa ba jud ni paingnan.


Nganong wa kay reply2x?
Gabie, imo kong gipangutana.
“Required ba diay?”
Mao puy akong tubag niana.


Di na ko nimo dong.
Pero ganahan ko nimo.
Kada-adalaw ikaw, sa tinuod lang, akong gipamulong,
Gipugngan ko lang permi ang akong damgo…


Nga unta muabot ang adlaw
Nga mahilum ning tanang sakit.
Ug magpabilin ang paglaum nga ako makasinati 
Sa gugma mo na hilabihan ug kanang angay isangpit.


Ug dili ko ikaulaw dodong
Nga ako naghulat kanimo.
Ug wala ako napalaw sa panahon..
Kay niabot rajud ang adlaw na ako ang imong pilion.

LSS.

I hate this.

That moment when you have a mind full of ideassssssss yet you can’t put any of it into writing? Or yeah, maybe you could, but not exactly how your mind pictured it out or written it out rather. Whatever grammEr? Sseeesh. And speling???

I’ve started a lot of drafts here and there and it never gets finished. What’s wrong with me?

Hype me up! Will you?

I thought all I needed was time and silence but that ain’t working right now.
I’ve had all the time and silence in the world right now but nothing is happening to my brain. It’s like, clogged up or something. You don’t say?!?! Cholesterol? DAMN! I remember eating lots of chicharon last last week. Now it’s killing me softly, intellectually that is.

This tendency of being a “ningas cogon” will not get me anywhere.

Inspiration!!!!!!!!! Where the eff are you?

Here’s my number… Call me Maybe.

GINAVA

My eyes have seen the dark forest, Ginava. I have ventured through the raging leaves and trees of the forest only to find stains of blood scattered all over. Although it was wounded and used, still its depth has engulfed me – my totality, my knowledge, and awareness of such. It came to my mind that the only possible way to mend this forsaken place is for me to introduce some drops of dew, some therapeutic clouds and rays of light. It came to me that the foulness of such forest is just a manifestation of a deserted yet marvellous creation of our god, where human life was brought out. I feel that it must be treated, tolerated and understood rather than be neglected and disgusted by it. Surprisingly, at the end of the day, I found myself watching the vastness of the universe and its stellular sky. With fervor and confidence, I stood there and mused over what my forest would look like years from now.

The Flower’s Lament

At the age of 14, a young girl was able to write this story for the love of a man that was not meant for her.

The Flower’s Lament
Once upon a summer time… a bee went to a flower garden to taste the sweetness of the flowers. There were lots of flowers gathered round but he could only see the small but blooming flower amongst them. He went there and bravely asked for her sweetness. This flower was shy but still granted the bee. And so, the bee went home and waited for the sun to rise the next day. The greatest day of his life came. The beat of the sun was right and everything was perfect… He went back to the flower garden but never saw the flower. This was because the flower realized that she was only a small flower compared to others, so beautiful and much more blooming.  She was afraid of what others might say too… And so she hid herself behind the raging leaves… The bee tried to find her but couldn’t do so because other flowers were gathered around him, trying to persuade him to taste their sweetness. The bee, tried searching for the little flower, felt tired and in need of sweetness, tried tasting the taste of another flower. The little flower watched as the bee tasted the other flower’s sweetness, feeling kind of hurt and disappointed, but still hoping… hoping that someday the bee would be able to taste her sweetness too, when the time is right.
Another summer time has come and now the little flower was into her full bloom… She was very ready and very busy preparing for the occasion, still hoping in her mind that the bee would come for her. But to her shock, when the bee came, he went to the other flower. She thought he would’ve loved her sweetness; she thought the bee was going to see her again now that she was ready, now that she felt worthy of him. But she was wrong, very wrong. For the bee has come to see the beauty of another flower. And now the full bloomed flower, who was once a small blossoming flower, felt sorry for herself…felt regret…felt lament… that the only bee that has come to her life faded away in a glimpse of a pollen because of her letting-go of what could’ve been the best day of her life…
Because of this, the two just remained friends. The flower was in content for what they have, their friendship, for it would have been more bitter if he was out of her reach. They chat, play together, laugh together, do things the best of friends would’ve done. This relationship lasted for a long time and they grew older as each day passed by. The flower then realized that she really loves the bee, but couldn’t say it, for she feared the bee’s response. What if he didn’t love her? What if he would leave her? What if he loves another? Many questions bothered the mind of the flower, what-ifs…
When she saw  the bee with another flower… she felt heartbroken , felt a little less more of herself, thinking that she may be not the right person for him… As she watched him with another flower, she thought that maybe he was happier with her, more alive, and maybe she IS the one for him. From that day on, she tried forgetting him and kept on pretending that what she felt for was just nothing but a dream, a dream that will hunt her for a lifetime.