Dot dot dot






Alam mo. Ang gulo-gulo minsan ng buhay.
Minsan nga hindi lang paminsan-minsan ito magulo, kundi palagi.


Kung bakit hinahanap ang mga bagay na alam naman nating hindi makikita.
Kung bakit nakikita ang mga bagay na hindi naman natin hinahanap.
Kung bakit ayaw natin sa mga taong nagpapakita ng pagmamahal sa atin.
Kung bakit minamahal pa rin natin ang taong hindi naman para sa atin.
Kung bakit paulit-ulit ang estoryang lovelife.
Kung bakit di pa rin maka-move-on…
at kung bakit puro problema nalang ang nasa isip ko tuwing nagsusulat ng blog.


Hai . . Ang gulo.


Ano nga ba ang silbi ng buhay kung hindi ka naman magiging masaya sa ginagawa mo?
Ano nga ba ang silbi ng puso kung hindi naman ito marunong magmahal?
Ano ang silbi ng utak kung puro naman pagkakamali ang mga desisyon nito?
Ano nga ba?


Ang pananabik sa tao, bagay, o lugar na matagal mo ng ina-asam-asam. . .


Pumunta ako sa Dumaguete.
At naging dayuhan sa lugar.
Naging dayuhan ako sa lugar kung saan ako nag-college.
Kung saan ko naranasan mabuhay [for almost 5 years] mag-isa, magmahal, at maging ako.


Iba na talaga ang feeling kapag ika’y nawalay sa lugar na napaka-importante para sa iyo.
Andiyan kana ngunit parang ang layo-layo.
Nakikita mo na nga pero parang hindi na sa iyo bumabati o ngumingiti.


Ang hirap kasi lumingon sa nakalipas at isipin na … Hindi na talaga magiging tulad ng dati…
Masakit. Para bang nabalian ka  ng isang parte ng katawan.
Kung paa man ito’y, di kana makalakad ng maayos.
Kung kamay man ito’y, di kana makasulat.
Kung mata man ito’y, di mo na masyadong makikita kung anong ganda man ang nasa harapan mo.


Balik tanaw… Pagmuni-muni…
Kailan nga ba?
Kailan nga ba nangyari itong lahat?
Parang ayoko ng mag-isip. Tigilan na ang pag-iisip.


Uminom ka nalang ng beer.
I-sing-along mo nalang yan…
At baka sakali bukas…
Mawawala na ang sakit na nakatatak diyan sa puso mo.
Baka bukas…
Hindi mo na mararamdaman ang mga nararamdaman mo ngayon.
Baka iba na bukas…
Baka nga…
Sana nga….


Bukas…
Maging akin ka.
Maging akin ka, at ako ay maging sayo…
Hindi to panaginip. Totoo ito lahat. Maniwala ka lang.
Ipikit mo ang iyong mga mata…
Hawakan mo ang aking kamay. . .
Hahalikan kita.
Sa noo…
Sa pisngi. Sa dalawa mong pisngi.
Sa ilong…
at sa labi…


Sorry.










Paalam. . .

Advertisements

2 Ante Meridiem

Nobody really cares if I sleep late and wake up early or sleep early and wake up late.
Ab-so-lute-ly no one.
It’s just between me and my body clock. My deeply disturbed body clock and freakin’ sleeping pattern.


It’s been pretty weird lately too…
You know that feeling when you just want someone or anybody to order you to go to sleep. Then they’ll tuck you in bed, kiss you goodnight and stuff? 


Yes. That feeling. I had that.


But I guess when the time comes that that would actually happen in my life, I wouldn’t want it as bad as i want it to happen now. It’s just weird to feel the same feeling with the same extent twice. 




[[[PsychoTalking]]]


“`You need not listen.

Felo-de-se

Magnetized. Attract and distract.
Alibis. Lies and spies.
Curiosity. Hoax and talks.
Denied. Unverified and confide.

Take me, take me to your place.
Hide me, I’m sick with this disgrace.
Take me, take me to outerspace.
Let’s swim, be free, release.

Terrorized. Consumed and disguised.
Stupefy. Ridiculed and executed.
Petrify. Numb and scarlett.
Suicide. Divine and sublime.

Ug ako naghuwat. . .

Tugkada ang kaguol ug kaminghoy 
nga nagpatigbabaw niining adlawa. 
Pamatia ang hangin 
nga naglaroy-laroy sa palibot. 
Wa ba nimo nabatian 
ang presensya Niya? 

Tugpa na grasya. 
Ako gahuwat kanimo. 
Kanus-a mu man ako dunggon? 
Unsang dugaya man akong dapat huwaton? 

Giagda ko sa mga yawa. 
Supak sa kaayohan! 
Apan misinggit ang mga anghel, 
Ayaw kaniya pagtoo! Hulat kay adunay muabot…

Ug ako naghuwat. .  .

Tulog na
kay naa pay ugma.
Ugma nga wa pa hibaw-i magkinaunsa.

Tulog…
Kay naa pay unya.

I’m not the lovelife-kind-of-sad TODAY.




if i had known 3 months ago that my life would be this unproductive, i would have gone abroad with my mom. .  .and do nothing there… but then again, thinking of the circumstances i am at right now, ate’s depression, my inexperienced RN life, and clueless future, i guess and i hope thati made the right decision of staying here.  



im sad. and we’re not talking about the lovelife-kind-of-sad here., i’m sad because of life as it is. THIS LIFE. right now, people can’t help me. it’s all about my decision. this fucking difficult decision. of whether to wait or apply for another hospital. to go home or stay with my sister, to pursue being a nurse or pursue my ultimate real passion – photography…. i really don’t know where to put my heart right now. if only it could be divided. if only i could split my self into two then there would be no problem at all right now. it sucks, you know? growing up and having all this options in front of you. you have to decide. school never taught that to students. life did. all the more it sucks.


i wish i could just go back… to school. where my problems were tests, exams, deadlines, papers, duty days, self-absorbed classmates, numb crushes, underrated suitors, social life, peer pressure, vices, etc. . . i keep on wondering.., what if i fucked up college? would i be happier now? still schooling…? still facing those good ‘ol problems and stuff?



whatever…. 






the truth is, my life’s fucked up right now too. but i’m still convinced that something is going to happen. something greater for janedoe ~

“…and there is hope in thine end.”


I keep making the same mistakes…
My heart is stupid and my mind couldn’t agree more.
“It’s just part of being human” would be my perfect excuse right now.
But nobody really cares about that.
They judge you as you are.
—-
I hate the feeling of craving.
Especially craving for something I used to have.
I fight it every single day.
Still, it’s there. It never gives up.
My mind is battling but my heart keeps on defending it.
What a psycho. Such pain in thy ass.
I wonder who’s going to win…
Can anyone just please find my soul? It’s out there somewhere. Lost ~
Like a falling leaf in autumn, I give up.
Let me go dear branch…
People pass by and say, 
“What’s the use of this old tree when it has neither a single leaf for shade nor fruit to bear?”
I wish someone would just water this godforsaken thing
. . . But no one ever does.
Hope is fleeting, like love. & the world is so narrow.
People compare. While some are just like me.
Mellow. Isolated. Alone. Idle.
Grant me a sense of humanity.
Bring me my purpose, I ask thee omnipotent.
Oh Earth, Save me. Please do not abandon…

"Shattered" – Trading Yesterday

[[[When the night, becomes my day… I cling to sad songs and shit]]]
Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding.Fall into your sunlight.The future’s open wide, beyond believing.To know why, hope dies.Losing what was found, a world so hollow.Suspended in a compromise.The silence of this sound, is soon to follow.Somehow, sundown.
And finding answers.Is forgetting all of the questions we called home.Passing the graves of the unknown.
As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading.Illusions of the sunlight.And a reflection of a lie, will keep me waiting.With love gone, for so long.
And this day’s ending.Is the proof of time killing, all the faith I know.Knowing that faith, is all I hold.
And I’ve lost who I am, and I can’t understand.Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.But I know, all I know, is that the end’s beginning.Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.All is lost, hope remains, and this war’s not over.There’s a light, there’s the sun, taking all shattered ones.To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all. [x2]
Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding.Fall into your sunlight.

Thanks for trying.

phone calls and missed calls.
dead air — suffocating.
a friend? or a lover?
who are you gonna be?

i hear you breathing on the other line.
i listened to it while i cry.
inhale. exhale.
i am but frail.

le heartache giver
of endless pain not pleasure.
im battling with my battle too.
i cannot fight two wars.

detach me from my former self please
be my friend, not my lover.
unclothed me and you’ll see
words with great conceal

get me out of here.
get me out of your heart.
rip it apart.
rip your atrium, your ventricle, your septum, or wherever it is that i’m attached to.

expel me for i am of no use to you.
hate me and never again yearn for me.
i am pure evil.
i have no heart.

i am not like you.

Para kanino?

[blog.time: after Independence Day]

Isang araw gigising ka nalang na wala sa iyong sarili. Pamilyar ang lugar ngunit hindi yung nakaugalian. Babangon ka sa kama na hindi sa iyo, o sa tingin mo’y hindi sa iyo. At titingnan mo ang iyong sarili sa salamin na parang hindi mo na kilala kung sino ang kaharap mo. Sino ka nga ba? Ano ang nagbago? 

At sa mga paminsan-minsang iyon, naitanong mo ba, para kanino ako bumabangon?

Advertisement ito sa Nescafe na paulit-ulit kong nakikita sa t.v. ngunit ni minsa’y di ko sinagot. Katulad sa mga taong paulit-ulit na nagtatanong sa akin kung ako ba ay magme.Med school o hindi. Nakakainis. Hindi pala pareho sapagkat sinasagot ko sila.

Bumabalik at bumabalik. Mga alaala koy tila bumabalik na walang pahintulot, walang hiya, walang etiquette, walang modo. Anong mga alaala? Naitanong mo? Lahat. Lalo na ngayo’t nag-iisa sa munti naming bahay na aking kinalalakihan. Dumaan na nga ang Independence Day, pero bakit hanggang ngayo’y dependent na dependent pa rin ako. Nakikikaon, nakikitulog, nakikiwifi, nakikisawsaw. 

Narinig ko ang iyak ng aking kapitbahay, “TULONG! TULONG!”, siguro ay bugbug sarado na naman sa lasing na asawa, pulis pa naman ang walang hiya. Herpes. Oo. Herpes ang kanyang premyo sa pagiging dakilang housewife. Winner. Ayoko tuloy mag-asawa ng pulis.

Mga tambay sa daan papunta sa amin.. Nag-iinuman na naman. Walang trabaho. Walang eskwela. Walang sinisikap kundi ang pag-aangat sa baso at pag igib ng tanduay rhum. Pwede makijoin? At makisalo sa usapang-pangarap-na-hindi-matutupad? I feel like I belong. 

Ang tahimik ng gabi. Malamig. In-Off ko yung electric fan kasi feel ko nagsnosnow na sa loob ng kwarto. Nagdasal ng kaunti sa Panginoon at kinuha ang unan at tinakpan ang mukha ko nito. Tulog na… tulog na…kanta ng sira ulong tatay ni Ina sa pelikulang “Pangako Sa Yo”. Nakakatakot minsan ang aking imahenasyon. Guni-guni ko lang, ngunit ipinapakita nito ang totoo kong emosyon – pangungulila at pagdaralita.

Gabi na. Bukas, ay umaga. Tila Rebecca Black ang genre ng aking sinusulat. FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!


Babangon nga ba ako? Para kanino?