It’s just emotions~

my day went slow today.

 

 

i woke up at 7:44 in the morning and realized that i had a class at 8am. it’s not really a class. it’s some kind of a training. anyways…i have a new motto to live by . . and that is “BETTER LATE THAN ABSENT.” . . . as calm as i could, i left my bed unfixed and grabbed my towels. and before coming in the comfort room i looked at myself in the mirror and noticed how dandy my hair looked, wow straight and shiny!, so… right there and then i decided to not wash my hair. i just feel like it. also, given the fact that im in a “rush.” i don’t want to be looking like a ‘basang sisiw’ when i get to my class or training or whatever.

 

 
today is Wednesday.

 

 
and we always have fill in the blanks test during Wednesdays. and i always end up studying in the room instead of studying it at home the night before. im practically making use of my short-term memory. im so lucky to have a computer with a music folder. my seatmates don’t have such folders. i guess the person using my computer from another class time imported some cool music to it to listen to whenever he/she is bored. it’s nice. i listened to it while i memorized tons and tons of suffixes, prefixes and acronyms. && did i mention acronyms i haven’t heard or encountered even before during my college days??? this sucks. i didn’t finish memorizing all of them. i told you… there were tons of tons of ’em.

 
i got the lowest score in our exam today. 37/50. i was just being honest. “what i couldn’t remember, i would not answer” was what i just did. i didn’t even bother to cheat. it was a “test” you know. and somehow i have to “test” my short-term memory skills too… so there.., 37/50.  the fruit of my labor [insert sarcasm?]. my seatmate to the left got 49/50. he was a geek and almost Googled all of the questions. and my seatmate to the right, oh, i remember. i don’t have one. he was absent [for 3 consecutive days already], more like not attending anymore forever. the farther seatmate to the right got somewhat a 46 or 47. it was weird because whenever i looked at him he was ranting how difficult the exam was. and i was like “yeah [nodding]” [just being honest]. and when i was not looking at him directly, i mean, by just using my peripheral view, he was scrolling down his cellphone and right after that he would type in a lot of words into the computer. that’s weird. i think he cheated. but i don’t really care. ’cause the scores meant nothing. FYI. if you’re a certified MT already you can google difficult acronyms or terms or stupid suffixes and prefixes. you know what i mean? seeeesh. i’m not bitter that i got a low score. really. i just want people to be honest too… . but that won’t ever happen.

 

 

moving on…

 

 

i went home alone while all my seatmates went somewhere to eat. i wanted to go with them to bond and everything but my sister texted me that she cooked for us and that id better head home right after class, ..which i did cause if i don’t maybe she won’t cook for us anymore, ever.

 
anyways, i waited a long time for a jeepney suitable for my destination. and just when my stomach started to growl or something because of hunger, it arrived. it looked full packed from the outside view but when i got in the jeepney, it all made sense why. nobody moved when i entered the jeep. it was as if i was not welcomed. well, im not really expecting everyone to be greeting me anything, it’s just that no one even bothered to move their asses.

 

 

what i hate most about jeepneys here in Cebu is that, even when you’re not yet seated, they’ll start the engine and move already. good thing i got a hold of the arm-reaching-tubes-on-the-top-of-the-jeep, i don’t know what to call it. and there i was standing next to this guy who was just looking outside [nice view eh mate?], he was comfortably seated like a 5-year-old, his right lower extremity occupying a big part of the seats. i had to say “excuse me” for him to notice that i was still standing there. very un-gentleman-ish. and when i was already seated, he didn’t even bothered to move a bit. so imagine me being sandwiched in between. my temper rose along with the heat….

 
but then i saw this happy kid in front of me. she had the built of a friend of mine named “Nailah.” [not her true name] stout. fair skin. except that she has a curly hair.

 
she was smiling. and i don’t know for what reason. she just smiled there. and i smiled along seeing her smile like that. i analyzed her. what could she be smiling about? could it be the wind that brushes through her hair when the jeep moves fast? or could it be a joke she remembered that a friend of hers told a while ago?  she suddenly look at me and smiled. and i smiled back for no reason. kinda awkward. but i love kids. and hey, it doesn’t mean im a pedophile.

 
i was almost convinced that she was smiling because of a joke a friend of hers told a while ago. , because that shit happens to me all the time. but then i noticed that when the jeep stops. she would also stop smiling. and when it moved, she would smile again. SO! it was the wind!? there’s no other reasonable reason for it!?!? or maybe it’s simply the jeepney ride that makes her happy? ORR im just overanalyzing things im not suppose to even analyze? i really don’t know. what i know is that,, she’s a gift. a gift to every human who sees her. she’s just one happy kid. and it radiates.

 
well, that’s about it. that’s what happened half of my day.

 
the other half was and is spent on facing the computer.,trying to reach my sister’s high score in diamond dash [which i couldn’t because i can’t afford those upgrades and she can, she spent dollars just for it [i guess]] and liking posts on Tumblr.

 

 

lasssstllyyyy, before i end this nonsense blog, i would like to announce to everyone that i think i might be in love with Tumblr. i super love it. that’s all. i just can’t stop scrolling for him over and over again. 😉 if you know what i mean.

 
P.S.  i was supposed to be spending time with my friends this afternoon, but the other friend just won’t reply and answer our callS. she’s a sleepy head and at the same time a Guinness World Record holder [‘my friends’ edition] for longest “no sleep” criteria. and i guess she’s reading this now. 😛

Mind Lapse [not.edited.straight.from.the.mind]

[because i got up in the morning with a hangover and still went to class. and when i was riding the jeep a story line just popped out of my mind and it was insane. i had to write it in the computer asap. so wen i got to the ‘institution’ [[not mental]] i opened my email and started writing a draft. more editing needed here. i accept harsh comments and suggestions but i will not use it to develop my writing [[just joking. you may laugh now]] k. i really have no affect now so i guess i might as well be gone

 

she stood right in front of her very own bar counter… and took one wine out of the cubicle.

she quenches for a drink.. oh red wine… it’s been a while since her last alcohol drink. 

and it felt right to be there on her counter. alone. no one to serve drinks to. 

 

so she took a glass on the counter top. and poured red wine onto her glass.

she brought the wine to her room.

for she couldn’t handle the forever-alone-scene in the bar counter.

 

she faced her big monitor. surfing the web. 

facebook

while enjoying her glass of wine… oh the serenity. 

almost half way through glass sipping she noticed a very familiar picture on the web.

“what the mothaf** son of a bitch…..!#Y!$%!%#!^%#^!$” the list of curse words goes on and on 

and ended with the words “…my ex is gay” added to that are question marks and exclamation points.

she couldn’t believe her eyes. 

 

 

 

together we can make things happen.

a quotation she saw on a bus that passed her by… 

of course., things happen if we do it together., she thought.

2 people in love make babies.

3 people call it a threesome and make love.

4 people with a fancy hair make a boyband.

5 people skilled in playing instruments make an actual band.

 

 

another mind lapse.

 

this happens to her every time. and she don’t know why… 

it just happens. one second she was thinking about his asshole ex who turned gay

and suddenly she thought about the quotation on the bus. seeesh. politics. 

 

see? it happened again. 

symptoms of a schizophrenic person. 

almost twilight-ish [the series, not the movie, duh]

 

 

she was disgusted as she was stalking her ex’s timeline. she couldn’t believe her eyes.

beach bodied men holding hands. what a scene. 

she was not that judgmental really. she supported homosexuals. almost 90% of her friends were gay/lesb.

but she had to judge this guy. this guy was his ex for chrissakes.

 

at the moment, she’d love to undergo an eye surgery just to see if what her eyes saw were real. 

but she has no budget for that.

and her eyes are in perfect condition. 

so she believed what she saw 

and in that belief, mixed emotion of i-dont-know-how-to-explain-this-shit-im-feeling begotten her.

 

 

she got tired of stalking. everybody gets tired of stalking. 

some even said stalking is like virtual suicide. 

you stalk the person you love online only to find out pictures of him and his girlfriend happy together.

oh yes. for the love of men. cheers to the man who invented timelines and social networks. 

and more cheers to the man who coined the word stalking for without him what would we call such term now?

 

it took plenty of hours to recover from her apparitions. her ex’s human becoming rather. 

and since she was alone and had no one to phone in the middle of the night ,

her only choice was to blog. 

 

and blog indeed accompanied her throughout her grief.

 

she refilled her empty bottle of glass. poured red wine unto it till it was almost full. 

and as she sips in

words would come out of her brain ., out of her mouth.

and she was bedazzled by it.

it sounds unique, a never-before-heard-word, she thought

it was a jargon even to herself.

 

she sipped in another drink. and boom.

there it was again. it was kindda psychic.

words would come out and she would just type it in the computer without even thinking.

“what the hell is this drink?” 

“is this a sequel to the fountain of youth ? ” she wished

 

for a minute there she thought of reading what she was typing.

she read the words that was right in front of her.

but annoyingly, she couldn’t understand every bit of it.

it was….. simply…… gibberish.

 

she was creep out about it.

is this some kind of an alien thingy? where she decodes gibberish words or letters?

am i a messenger for the coming of the aliens from outerspace?

whose sole purpose is to rule the world? 

the fountain of youth sequel excuse didn’t matter to her now. this was something serious.

and damn her if she would allow anything like that to happen.

 

 

 

and because she felt like it, she’d walk around her house on Sundays with high heels called the stilettos.

there’s really nothing fancy going on in the house. no occasion. no mass.

it’s simply Sunday.

and the thought of it just excites her.

 

nobody said it was wrong to wear stilettos just because it’s sunday right?……

 

mind lapse.

 

 

 

back to her here and now..

she started to believe that something is about to happen.

or something is happening now.

it was unknown to her.

a m-y-s-t-e-r-y.

and yes it was creepy still

but she’s not afraid.

she didnt know why but she just felt brave…

and ready to face whatever there is and whatever will happen. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

zzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

mindlapse.

 

 

 

 

 

I am not a tree.

I’ve decided not to be that person anymore. I know I might have said this a lot of times already and that I always end up where gravity wants me to be. But I think this is really it. I will coin the term which means contrary to falling for you ’cause boy I’am a fucking mess with you in my mind. I feel like a mental patient stuck in this white cubicle and just like a schizo I built my world with only you in it. It’s absurd really. It demands too much and I just can’t handle that right now. There’s a lot of things to think about – my future, my career, my life- and I don’t want you to be one of it. My head’s in a winter storm, snow flakes won’t just stop falling. I guess not until I find spring somewhere down the seasons. I’m letting you go but I’m not saying goodbye. I know it’s been redundant and I’ve been beating around the bush here, but know that there’ll be no more bushes to see… only a tree planted on the ground they call truth and reality and hopefully in the future it will branch out happiness and contentment of what the sun has to offer. And lastly, whatever the season, always know that I’ll be your friend. My roots will be stronger then and it will bear fruit called forgiveness.


Memory Leak

it’s funny how. . . 

how it was all just like a dream.
the day you loved somebody and that somebody loved you back.
it’s sad though… how my memory seem to be.. soooooooooo weak.
all i remember now is how i felt then. 
and i just can’t seem to recover the details. 
my brain’s like a hacked computer.
was i compelled by vampires or something?
it left me nothing but feelings.
plain feelings.
stupid brain cells. 
i will not drink beer or any alcoholic drink ever again. . . [oh really?]
the movie we first had… i can’t even remember the title.
our first expression of love, our first stupid fight, our first real fight…
firsts….
i thirst for those memories.
i bid it to come back. but i just can’t.
maybe it’s not meant to be remembered.
i’ve gone this far. 
i mean, what for?
what am i thinking?
what do i need those memories for? 
why?
here we are again. 
 one friendly phone call.
i was lying on my bed.
just listening to your voice… 
and you’re
telling me all these things. 
the things i did for you. 
the things i did for love.
that was hella korny. 
you onion peeled me you know.
you cracked the egg and let out the yolk.
you scarred me in a good way.
you let me bleed.
and for once, i felt alive.
i let my guard down thinking that that would be forever.
but that’s a cliche and bullshit.
i will never be the same as i was before i came to know you.
the world is so different now…
and i’m still holding on to all the feelings that’s keeping me company…
these feelings were memories for me.
for the amnesia-ish.
for the  people with Alzheimer’s.
for the dementiac.
for me.