Shittiest Day: Declared!

Dear Diary.

I feel shitty today. Today is basically the shittiest day ever. 

I think I’m grounded. I went home drunk at 3am. Thank God for true good friends who never do leave you when you are drunk and puking all over the place. My sister almost locked me up outside the house because she was effin’ tired of waiting up for me. She took my house keys right after I got in the house… 


I feel bad about myself. My sister said my mother has been worried sick and crying last night because I wouldn’t answer any of their calls or even text a reply. My father brought my mother to the hospital a while ago because she had a high blood pressure. I blame me. 😦 


Am I a bad person? I feel shitty right now. REALLY REALLY shitty. 


My dad asked me why I drank and got drunk last night, and if I was in any way depress. They don’t get it. You don’t drink JUST because your depress. There are a lot of reasons we drink. But right now, I don’t really know why I drank that much just to get drunk. && FYI, I have no intention to get drunk. I am not depress – that, I am not really sure of unless someone diagnose me. Maybe I’m just lost or something. My life has not been the way I pictured it out to be, you know? It just sucks right now. Maybe I AM depress. Or not. I don’t know. Or maybe I just want attention. I’m tired. I’m tired of understanding people. I want to be understood. Understand me. 


I need a hug right now. A hug from Charlie perhaps. A hug from someone who doesn’t asks a lot of “why” questions. A person who’ll hug me tight just because I really need one right now. That person does not exist… 😥 


Am I a bad person?

You haven’t answered that question yet. But then again, I really don’t want to hear your answer. 


Yes. You don’t know me. You don’t know who I am when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m super crazy, when I love, when I hate. You don’t know me. But there’s this one person who knows me very well, aside from God that is, but it’s depressing because I can’t tell her this stuff anymore. She’s my bestest friend in the whole world. But I can’t tell her these stuffs anymore. It’s way depressing. 


You know what I want to do? 

I want to go with Holden Caulfield and join his adventure — hitchhiking to the west. And also act as if I’m a deaf-mute so no one would talk to me. It’ll be fun. No one will know who I am and no one would bother asking. I’d love that. I’ll be her “deaf-mute” wife. && He’ll be my “deaf-mute” hubby. And our love will be eternal and full of pretending. But we like it that way. And every night, as we go to sleep, I’d get a pen and paper and write “Will you still love me in the morning?,” and put it on his bedside table. And in the the morning when the sun is up, I’ll enjoy a cuddle from him as he whisper in my ears, “Yes.” And we’ll both giggle and laugh because finally the deaf-mute can now say a word and it’s all because of love.


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