Mind Lapse [not.edited.straight.from.the.mind]

[because i got up in the morning with a hangover and still went to class. and when i was riding the jeep a story line just popped out of my mind and it was insane. i had to write it in the computer asap. so wen i got to the ‘institution’ [[not mental]] i opened my email and started writing a draft. more editing needed here. i accept harsh comments and suggestions but i will not use it to develop my writing [[just joking. you may laugh now]] k. i really have no affect now so i guess i might as well be gone

 

she stood right in front of her very own bar counter… and took one wine out of the cubicle.

she quenches for a drink.. oh red wine… it’s been a while since her last alcohol drink. 

and it felt right to be there on her counter. alone. no one to serve drinks to. 

 

so she took a glass on the counter top. and poured red wine onto her glass.

she brought the wine to her room.

for she couldn’t handle the forever-alone-scene in the bar counter.

 

she faced her big monitor. surfing the web. 

facebook

while enjoying her glass of wine… oh the serenity. 

almost half way through glass sipping she noticed a very familiar picture on the web.

“what the mothaf** son of a bitch…..!#Y!$%!%#!^%#^!$” the list of curse words goes on and on 

and ended with the words “…my ex is gay” added to that are question marks and exclamation points.

she couldn’t believe her eyes. 

 

 

 

together we can make things happen.

a quotation she saw on a bus that passed her by… 

of course., things happen if we do it together., she thought.

2 people in love make babies.

3 people call it a threesome and make love.

4 people with a fancy hair make a boyband.

5 people skilled in playing instruments make an actual band.

 

 

another mind lapse.

 

this happens to her every time. and she don’t know why… 

it just happens. one second she was thinking about his asshole ex who turned gay

and suddenly she thought about the quotation on the bus. seeesh. politics. 

 

see? it happened again. 

symptoms of a schizophrenic person. 

almost twilight-ish [the series, not the movie, duh]

 

 

she was disgusted as she was stalking her ex’s timeline. she couldn’t believe her eyes.

beach bodied men holding hands. what a scene. 

she was not that judgmental really. she supported homosexuals. almost 90% of her friends were gay/lesb.

but she had to judge this guy. this guy was his ex for chrissakes.

 

at the moment, she’d love to undergo an eye surgery just to see if what her eyes saw were real. 

but she has no budget for that.

and her eyes are in perfect condition. 

so she believed what she saw 

and in that belief, mixed emotion of i-dont-know-how-to-explain-this-shit-im-feeling begotten her.

 

 

she got tired of stalking. everybody gets tired of stalking. 

some even said stalking is like virtual suicide. 

you stalk the person you love online only to find out pictures of him and his girlfriend happy together.

oh yes. for the love of men. cheers to the man who invented timelines and social networks. 

and more cheers to the man who coined the word stalking for without him what would we call such term now?

 

it took plenty of hours to recover from her apparitions. her ex’s human becoming rather. 

and since she was alone and had no one to phone in the middle of the night ,

her only choice was to blog. 

 

and blog indeed accompanied her throughout her grief.

 

she refilled her empty bottle of glass. poured red wine unto it till it was almost full. 

and as she sips in

words would come out of her brain ., out of her mouth.

and she was bedazzled by it.

it sounds unique, a never-before-heard-word, she thought

it was a jargon even to herself.

 

she sipped in another drink. and boom.

there it was again. it was kindda psychic.

words would come out and she would just type it in the computer without even thinking.

“what the hell is this drink?” 

“is this a sequel to the fountain of youth ? ” she wished

 

for a minute there she thought of reading what she was typing.

she read the words that was right in front of her.

but annoyingly, she couldn’t understand every bit of it.

it was….. simply…… gibberish.

 

she was creep out about it.

is this some kind of an alien thingy? where she decodes gibberish words or letters?

am i a messenger for the coming of the aliens from outerspace?

whose sole purpose is to rule the world? 

the fountain of youth sequel excuse didn’t matter to her now. this was something serious.

and damn her if she would allow anything like that to happen.

 

 

 

and because she felt like it, she’d walk around her house on Sundays with high heels called the stilettos.

there’s really nothing fancy going on in the house. no occasion. no mass.

it’s simply Sunday.

and the thought of it just excites her.

 

nobody said it was wrong to wear stilettos just because it’s sunday right?……

 

mind lapse.

 

 

 

back to her here and now..

she started to believe that something is about to happen.

or something is happening now.

it was unknown to her.

a m-y-s-t-e-r-y.

and yes it was creepy still

but she’s not afraid.

she didnt know why but she just felt brave…

and ready to face whatever there is and whatever will happen. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

zzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

mindlapse.

 

 

 

 

 

I am not a tree.

I’ve decided not to be that person anymore. I know I might have said this a lot of times already and that I always end up where gravity wants me to be. But I think this is really it. I will coin the term which means contrary to falling for you ’cause boy I’am a fucking mess with you in my mind. I feel like a mental patient stuck in this white cubicle and just like a schizo I built my world with only you in it. It’s absurd really. It demands too much and I just can’t handle that right now. There’s a lot of things to think about – my future, my career, my life- and I don’t want you to be one of it. My head’s in a winter storm, snow flakes won’t just stop falling. I guess not until I find spring somewhere down the seasons. I’m letting you go but I’m not saying goodbye. I know it’s been redundant and I’ve been beating around the bush here, but know that there’ll be no more bushes to see… only a tree planted on the ground they call truth and reality and hopefully in the future it will branch out happiness and contentment of what the sun has to offer. And lastly, whatever the season, always know that I’ll be your friend. My roots will be stronger then and it will bear fruit called forgiveness.


Memory Leak

it’s funny how. . . 

how it was all just like a dream.
the day you loved somebody and that somebody loved you back.
it’s sad though… how my memory seem to be.. soooooooooo weak.
all i remember now is how i felt then. 
and i just can’t seem to recover the details. 
my brain’s like a hacked computer.
was i compelled by vampires or something?
it left me nothing but feelings.
plain feelings.
stupid brain cells. 
i will not drink beer or any alcoholic drink ever again. . . [oh really?]
the movie we first had… i can’t even remember the title.
our first expression of love, our first stupid fight, our first real fight…
firsts….
i thirst for those memories.
i bid it to come back. but i just can’t.
maybe it’s not meant to be remembered.
i’ve gone this far. 
i mean, what for?
what am i thinking?
what do i need those memories for? 
why?
here we are again. 
 one friendly phone call.
i was lying on my bed.
just listening to your voice… 
and you’re
telling me all these things. 
the things i did for you. 
the things i did for love.
that was hella korny. 
you onion peeled me you know.
you cracked the egg and let out the yolk.
you scarred me in a good way.
you let me bleed.
and for once, i felt alive.
i let my guard down thinking that that would be forever.
but that’s a cliche and bullshit.
i will never be the same as i was before i came to know you.
the world is so different now…
and i’m still holding on to all the feelings that’s keeping me company…
these feelings were memories for me.
for the amnesia-ish.
for the  people with Alzheimer’s.
for the dementiac.
for me.

Dot dot dot






Alam mo. Ang gulo-gulo minsan ng buhay.
Minsan nga hindi lang paminsan-minsan ito magulo, kundi palagi.


Kung bakit hinahanap ang mga bagay na alam naman nating hindi makikita.
Kung bakit nakikita ang mga bagay na hindi naman natin hinahanap.
Kung bakit ayaw natin sa mga taong nagpapakita ng pagmamahal sa atin.
Kung bakit minamahal pa rin natin ang taong hindi naman para sa atin.
Kung bakit paulit-ulit ang estoryang lovelife.
Kung bakit di pa rin maka-move-on…
at kung bakit puro problema nalang ang nasa isip ko tuwing nagsusulat ng blog.


Hai . . Ang gulo.


Ano nga ba ang silbi ng buhay kung hindi ka naman magiging masaya sa ginagawa mo?
Ano nga ba ang silbi ng puso kung hindi naman ito marunong magmahal?
Ano ang silbi ng utak kung puro naman pagkakamali ang mga desisyon nito?
Ano nga ba?


Ang pananabik sa tao, bagay, o lugar na matagal mo ng ina-asam-asam. . .


Pumunta ako sa Dumaguete.
At naging dayuhan sa lugar.
Naging dayuhan ako sa lugar kung saan ako nag-college.
Kung saan ko naranasan mabuhay [for almost 5 years] mag-isa, magmahal, at maging ako.


Iba na talaga ang feeling kapag ika’y nawalay sa lugar na napaka-importante para sa iyo.
Andiyan kana ngunit parang ang layo-layo.
Nakikita mo na nga pero parang hindi na sa iyo bumabati o ngumingiti.


Ang hirap kasi lumingon sa nakalipas at isipin na … Hindi na talaga magiging tulad ng dati…
Masakit. Para bang nabalian ka  ng isang parte ng katawan.
Kung paa man ito’y, di kana makalakad ng maayos.
Kung kamay man ito’y, di kana makasulat.
Kung mata man ito’y, di mo na masyadong makikita kung anong ganda man ang nasa harapan mo.


Balik tanaw… Pagmuni-muni…
Kailan nga ba?
Kailan nga ba nangyari itong lahat?
Parang ayoko ng mag-isip. Tigilan na ang pag-iisip.


Uminom ka nalang ng beer.
I-sing-along mo nalang yan…
At baka sakali bukas…
Mawawala na ang sakit na nakatatak diyan sa puso mo.
Baka bukas…
Hindi mo na mararamdaman ang mga nararamdaman mo ngayon.
Baka iba na bukas…
Baka nga…
Sana nga….


Bukas…
Maging akin ka.
Maging akin ka, at ako ay maging sayo…
Hindi to panaginip. Totoo ito lahat. Maniwala ka lang.
Ipikit mo ang iyong mga mata…
Hawakan mo ang aking kamay. . .
Hahalikan kita.
Sa noo…
Sa pisngi. Sa dalawa mong pisngi.
Sa ilong…
at sa labi…


Sorry.










Paalam. . .

2 Ante Meridiem

Nobody really cares if I sleep late and wake up early or sleep early and wake up late.
Ab-so-lute-ly no one.
It’s just between me and my body clock. My deeply disturbed body clock and freakin’ sleeping pattern.


It’s been pretty weird lately too…
You know that feeling when you just want someone or anybody to order you to go to sleep. Then they’ll tuck you in bed, kiss you goodnight and stuff? 


Yes. That feeling. I had that.


But I guess when the time comes that that would actually happen in my life, I wouldn’t want it as bad as i want it to happen now. It’s just weird to feel the same feeling with the same extent twice. 




[[[PsychoTalking]]]


“`You need not listen.

Felo-de-se

Magnetized. Attract and distract.
Alibis. Lies and spies.
Curiosity. Hoax and talks.
Denied. Unverified and confide.

Take me, take me to your place.
Hide me, I’m sick with this disgrace.
Take me, take me to outerspace.
Let’s swim, be free, release.

Terrorized. Consumed and disguised.
Stupefy. Ridiculed and executed.
Petrify. Numb and scarlett.
Suicide. Divine and sublime.

Ug ako naghuwat. . .

Tugkada ang kaguol ug kaminghoy 
nga nagpatigbabaw niining adlawa. 
Pamatia ang hangin 
nga naglaroy-laroy sa palibot. 
Wa ba nimo nabatian 
ang presensya Niya? 

Tugpa na grasya. 
Ako gahuwat kanimo. 
Kanus-a mu man ako dunggon? 
Unsang dugaya man akong dapat huwaton? 

Giagda ko sa mga yawa. 
Supak sa kaayohan! 
Apan misinggit ang mga anghel, 
Ayaw kaniya pagtoo! Hulat kay adunay muabot…

Ug ako naghuwat. .  .

Tulog na
kay naa pay ugma.
Ugma nga wa pa hibaw-i magkinaunsa.

Tulog…
Kay naa pay unya.

I’m not the lovelife-kind-of-sad TODAY.




if i had known 3 months ago that my life would be this unproductive, i would have gone abroad with my mom. .  .and do nothing there… but then again, thinking of the circumstances i am at right now, ate’s depression, my inexperienced RN life, and clueless future, i guess and i hope thati made the right decision of staying here.  



im sad. and we’re not talking about the lovelife-kind-of-sad here., i’m sad because of life as it is. THIS LIFE. right now, people can’t help me. it’s all about my decision. this fucking difficult decision. of whether to wait or apply for another hospital. to go home or stay with my sister, to pursue being a nurse or pursue my ultimate real passion – photography…. i really don’t know where to put my heart right now. if only it could be divided. if only i could split my self into two then there would be no problem at all right now. it sucks, you know? growing up and having all this options in front of you. you have to decide. school never taught that to students. life did. all the more it sucks.


i wish i could just go back… to school. where my problems were tests, exams, deadlines, papers, duty days, self-absorbed classmates, numb crushes, underrated suitors, social life, peer pressure, vices, etc. . . i keep on wondering.., what if i fucked up college? would i be happier now? still schooling…? still facing those good ‘ol problems and stuff?



whatever…. 






the truth is, my life’s fucked up right now too. but i’m still convinced that something is going to happen. something greater for janedoe ~

“…and there is hope in thine end.”


I keep making the same mistakes…
My heart is stupid and my mind couldn’t agree more.
“It’s just part of being human” would be my perfect excuse right now.
But nobody really cares about that.
They judge you as you are.
—-
I hate the feeling of craving.
Especially craving for something I used to have.
I fight it every single day.
Still, it’s there. It never gives up.
My mind is battling but my heart keeps on defending it.
What a psycho. Such pain in thy ass.
I wonder who’s going to win…
Can anyone just please find my soul? It’s out there somewhere. Lost ~
Like a falling leaf in autumn, I give up.
Let me go dear branch…
People pass by and say, 
“What’s the use of this old tree when it has neither a single leaf for shade nor fruit to bear?”
I wish someone would just water this godforsaken thing
. . . But no one ever does.
Hope is fleeting, like love. & the world is so narrow.
People compare. While some are just like me.
Mellow. Isolated. Alone. Idle.
Grant me a sense of humanity.
Bring me my purpose, I ask thee omnipotent.
Oh Earth, Save me. Please do not abandon…